Sunday Musings

So this song is currently on heavy rotation on my Youtube, i play it every single chance that i get. Let this be the soundtrack while you read this post.

So I am currently in Mombasa by myself, seated at Java on my computer. Have you had their Caramel Frappe? That thing is the bomb dot com!

There is a big difference being in Mombasa on holiday with friends and loved ones, and being here on business. I am leaving for Nairobi tonight and i cant wait! As opposed to holidays where our last day is extremely melancholic and depressing.

I have been here for the past 5 days and I have been eating so badly, i am certain i have added like 3 kgs or something. I am even considering giving Jane Mukami’s detox diet a second chance to give myself a jump start to going back to healthy living. I went back to the gym 2 weeks ago and I am so unfit -_-.

Easter is 19 days away and this year i sorta gave up lent for lent. All the things I had planned to abstain from I have been indulging in *hangs head in shame*. However, I have been trying not to be on social media, I think that is the only arena I have succeeded in.

Social media has made us want to document every facet of our lives. I cant help but wonder If i would enjoy my trip here more if i could take snaps and IG the food, the ocean etc. If I didnt take a picture did it really happen?! This is why I like taking breaks from social media, to see if i can survive without telling the world about my thoughts and all my actions. To be honest i feel like i am being stifled not being able to share things with the world, I do not remember where all my thoughts and musings used to go before. Another thing I appreciate about not being online is not having FOMO. People have perfected the art of making things seem better than they really are in real life. me being one of them :p

Month 3 of 2016 has been good so far, ish. I have gotten accustomed to having a challenging job, and I am always so busy. But i have accepted that I need to go through this process in order to grow and build my career.

As for my love life, I am still weighing my options because after all, Mwanamke ni optionsšŸ˜‰ I have however had several failed dates this year for which i do not understand. They have never followed up so I guess it is just me who has failed to understand they probably weren’t very interested. I have not followed up either because, why bother with men who do not look at you as if you are magic?!

I would however like to know why they didnt follow up, this is the kind of feedback that may lead me one step closer to knowing who i will marry by December.Ā (not a ring by December, but knowing who i should expect a ring from soon by then.)

I have also become a believer that dreams do come true:) I also believe that I can do bad all by myself. You know that saying that you may be the most delicious peach in the world, but not everybody likes peaches? I must admit I am kind a curious about why they dont like peaches? Should I be using better fertilizer? I understand i am not for everybody, but sometimes i think feedback is good to create room for improvement.

Hope yall are having a lovely Sunday:)

 

Best January Ever!

Yes, this has been such a spectacular birthday month! I have been so happy and I have had a lot of fun, especially since I am ‘getting out of my shell’. I do not know if this is the appropriate word for it, but yeah. Opportunities have fallen into my lap, and I am taking full advantage as much as I can.

I was on leave for the first 2 weeks of January which I spent in bed watching all kinds of series rather than concentrating on submitting my paper for school smh. I’m kinda scared I may fail, but overall I am hoping for the best.

There was lots of derailment this month, like a whole lot. Made some new friends who are super cool though which is something I love to do.

I cannot go into detail about why this month was so good, but you will just have to take my word for it.

Unfortunately I have not had a chance to go back to the gym, I’m already broke smh. If only someone would feel philanthropic and pay for me a month’s membership :p Anyway I am still trying to work that out. To my surprise I found out I only added 500g during the holiday season:) I have still maintained the gains I had made while working out so yay!

Today is my last day as a 28 year old, it’s kinda bitter sweet coz technically this should be tomorrow smh. I am so gonna have a meltdown next year at a time like this. I have been having some birthday jitters, ask me about them in person one day, I dont want to blog about it then it becomes a point of reference.

I am looking forward to this new year, I am really hoping I learn from my past mistakes for I am truly aspiring to become a better human being. I am still very optimistic about 2016, it seems to be a good year for majority of my friends and I know these good vibes will prevail.

Epilogue

My cousin passed away 15 years ago today. The last time I saw him was at my house where we had family over and we cut my birthday cake since everyone was around. I barely spoke to him because I was on my shy phase back then. Something I truly regret. I only have 1 physical photo with him, which was taken once again, on my birthday when I was in like standard 2. OnĀ this day I try to celebrate his memory, the little I can remember. It also reminds me to do better when it comes to loving everyone in my life. Life is extremely short, and I try to cherish any moment i have with my loved ones as much as possible. Dont miss out on a chance to tell someone you love them, and take a selfie with them too. People keep hating about this, but for me I am kinda aiming to take a picture with every person that I can whenever possible. I need to hold on to those memories.

February is coming up, and I am kinda sad my Valentine is all the way in the UKšŸ˜¦ I miss her a whole lot. As for the day, I really dont give much of a hoot about it, I am actually really keen on creating new memories now that last February sucked so bad. February is also my month of dreams:)

January is finally over and I wish you well in this new month to come.

xoxo

2016! Bring it!

Let’s begin with a recap of 2015. Most of my posts last year were very melancholic and dreary and i apologise for that. This place was an outlet for me to let out my frustrations with all the shit that was going on in my life at the time. Good things did happen, but I was too busy enjoying the moments to sneak a minute to document the good times.

I think I experienced a tremendous amount of growth in 2015. This can be attributed to what was going on with and around me.

I cut my hair in January, 2 weeks before my birthday and the sole reason was just to start growing my hair afresh. This month marks my 1st year anniversary as a naturalista and it’s been an incredible journey. Never have I received so many compliments about my hair, and people keep touching it and wondering what I do to make it so soft Baby i was born this way. I have also never had to defend my hair as much as I do now, it seems like everybody has an opinion as to what is suitable for my head *rolls eyes*. Progress has been good so far, but I am hoping to see more growth in 2016, I will definitely step up my hair regiment till i find some miracle growth cure.

My fitness journey began in February 2015, I joined a gym near work which is so convenient because i get to work out in the morning and avoid Nairobi’s insane traffic. At first working out was an outlet for me, a place where i could let out my frustrations at my boy drama at the time. Then, I began enjoying it and it quickly became a routine and a lifestyle. I attend dance class on Mondays, weight training in between the week, and insanity on Fridays. When the weather was favorable, I switched things up by swimming during my lunch break. On weekends, I tried to take a walk around my neighbourhood which was like a 4km walk.

In addition to working out more, I also changed my eating pattern and became healthier. Junk fell off my diet and I rarely found myself craving the crap I used to before. It felt good walking into the supermarket and actually buying things I need without the temptation to get icecream or crisps.

As a result I lost 9kgs last year, and my body felt wonderful. Nothing beats the feeling of wearing clothes and feeling them almost falling off.

Of course I have fallen off the wagon during the Christmas period, but I will be back on that fitness tip next week. I am super inspired by my friend’s colleague who has lost over 20kgs, she looks like a new person! I need to lose 10 more Kgs to be at my ideal weight, my BMI weight would actually require me to lose 20 more kgs but I am trying to give myself realistic goals. Wish me luck:)

A lot has happened career wise as well, and despite the challenges I am enjoying the journey and liking where I am going. I started my masters online in London, and to be honest it has been extremely challenging. I should be completing my overdue assignment as I blog right now but here I am. My post graduate degree is on Startegic Marketing and I am finding it quite interesting as I am learning a lot and applying it in my current job. This year the plan is to get a bit more serious and submit stuff before deadlines if possible. If all goes well, graduation is next year and all roads lead to London for the ceremony and an epic vacay.

I also took on more responsibilities at work outside of my job description at work last year, and it seems that those will now be integrated and I may be transitioning into a new role this year. I am kinda scared but yet excited at the same time seeing that this may open wider opportunities for me in terms of my career.

My friend asked me to work with him to build his business in March and we have achieved so much since then. The movement is growing and we are expanding and building a name for ourselves out there. It has been such a fun experience working with the team, and as a result I have gotten to meet so many people. I am extremely excited for 2016 and watching that platform grow into even greater heights.

Relationship wise, 2015 was filled with situationships that didnt pan out and were to be honest a waste of my time.Ā I think I have become open to a whole lot more in comparison to other years. I tell my friends that 2015 was the year my standards dropped. I think this is a good thing because it seems stupid waiting for an ideal man who probably does not exist. I give men more chances rather than dismissing them because of little things like their height, weight, religion, career etc. 2016 I will go on as many dates as possible, and If things go well, i will be bae’d up by OctoberšŸ˜‰

Things also began to look up for my family towards the year, and I hope this continues in 2016.

I was telling a friend of mine that I do not have any new resolutions per se, because I do not believe that I necessarily need to change to have a good year.Ā This year seems to have good vibes so far and I am hopeful that it will be filled with lots of joy and happiness. For any struggles that may come my way, I am confident I will overcome them like a champion, for my greatest lesson in 2015 is learning how truly strong I am.

My focus will be on enjoying my last year as a twenty something year old, this will involve a lot of fun, adventure and exploration. I want to come up with a list of things to do this year, hopefully I will get time to come up with a blog post about things I need to achieve before i hit 30.

For some reason this song started playing in my head while I wrapped this post up, think it will be my motto for 2016. I will try my best to bask in positivity and revel in all the goodness surrounding me.

Was 2015 good to you? What are you looking forward to in 2016?

Hope doesn’t live here no more

I have just gotten home from the Aga Khan, where I had gone to donate blood for my cousin who is currently in the HDU after having surgery today. He seems to be ok, even if he needed a blood transfusion.

The last time I donated blood (which was actually my first time), it wasn’t the best of experiences. They had trouble finding my veins and i could barely fill an entire bag of blood.

Today i decided to ignore my general displeasure at the thought of going through that again and drove to hospital with the sole mission of conquering my ‘fear’ and doing whatever i could to help my cousin.

I was also strongly driven by the fact that I am deathly terrified that he may not pull through and i would not be able to handle it if i didnt do everything i could to help him during his time of need.

This is what life has come to, living each moment with everybody as if it may be their last. My actions have become 90% based on the fact that the people i am interacting with may die at any moment.

I am savouring every moment i spend with people, while at the same time trying to document that moment by taking a picture or video so that it can be immortalised forever.

My friend Juliana passed away a few weeks ago, and it still does not seem real to me.

I have been trying to find time and strength to talk about this on here, and this seems like the best time.

Julie was like a breath of fresh air. You couldnt walk into a room and not notice her big gorgeous smile, bubbly voice and her unique sense of style.

She was such a beautiful soul, if i knew I would never get a chance to bask in her awesomeness again, I would have found a way to bottle it and keep it somewhere i could revel in it forever.

Everyday i have those moments that i realise that she is gone forever. I dig through my memory to remember her laugh, and what her voice sounds like. I look at the pictures we took together and wish i could travel back into time.

Of course I have lots of ‘what ifs’ and ‘shoulda, woulda, couldas’.

Anyway, writing this is just too hard so maybe next time i will be strong enough to say everything i wanna say about my Ā dear friend Cooxie.

I am really tired of crying, and honestly my heart cant handle any more breaks as it is.

 

Hello November

 

So my 1st of the month July edition has been lying in my drafts since the beginning of August, and I have decided to just continue from where i left off.

July was an awesome month I must admit. I ushered it in from the sandy beaches of Diani Beach in Mombasa.

2015-07-04 09.03.24 2015-07-03 08.11.41 2015-07-03 08.10.43 2015-07-02 16.40.58 2015-07-02 16.40.31 2015-07-02 15.55.08The weather was perfect, not too hot, though sometimes it drizzled but that didnt dampen our holiday. My friends were participating in the Diani Touch Rugby Tournament and we had so much fun.

I also got to meet some new people and I got to see some different sides of people which I did not know about but was still intrigued by.

I took a trip to Uganda in August which was such a fun experience. The people there are so nice, things are cheap and I also got to see Lake Victoria for the first time. Ever since hyacinth destroyed Nairobi dam and some parts of Lake Victoria, I had no idea it was such a beautiful water body. I took pics but they are somewhere lost inside my dropbox -_- (why dont wordpress have emojis yet? or have i been away this long?)

2015 was definitely the year for frequent flying, I also passed by Kisumu Dala and that cirry is the bomb!! I had no idea what to expect, but I was pleased to find it had a Uganda, Mombasa feel to it. We had tilapia by the lakeside, the fish was ginormous, like super huge! We ate 1 fish between 4 people! Lake Victoria is just so beautiful, I honestly couldn’t get over it.

The past 3 months have been somewhat difficult, from my folks and even myself getting sick, so many other people getting sick, numerous hospital visits bleurghh. I didnt like that part much, but I am happy to report that everybody is now in somewhat good health and i hope this remains the same for as long as possible.

Work has been crazy as well, I had to take up another role in addition to what I already do. It’s been challenging but I am learning a lot which will be beneficial for my career since I joined an area I had not specialized in.

School has also been quit busy, in fact the only reason i am able to do this post right now is because I submitted my final paper for this semester yesterday and I have the day off tomorrow so I finally have some free time to blog after way too long.

Religion wise, nothing much has changed since my last post. My faith continues to dwindle, I do not know whether to be thankful when things go well, or turn to him during times of trouble so I am just there. I just have this fight with myself during these times and I decide to do nothing.

I think God spoke to me recently, twice to be exact. I had a dream where he asked me why i abandoned him, I dont remember whether I responded to him or not. I also spotted a post on spiritual inspiration on tumblr whose message felt like God speaking to me because it totally applied to me.

The fact that I believe God spoke to me goes to show I havent fallen so far from the faith wagon, I just need time to get over shit and try to understand him and find my way back, somehow. This part of the post is not a call for anybody to tell me how to seek him though, I know the ways and maybe one day I will use them.

Last night I ran into an old school mate of mine and he told me he was a father of 3! My good friend got married in September, my boy is engaged, my other friend just recently gave birth, while as for me the only thing I nature and protect is my Samsung Note 2 :’)

It really is great seeing people move to the next phases of their lives though. We each have a different path and it’s nice to see how we all play it out. Ā At the moment, my path is on self development. My career and education are what i am currently focusing on. I have also managed to maintain the healthy lifestyle tip I started way over in February.

This year I got to reconnect with some people from my past who I had unfinished business with. Life has a funny way of bringing people together when you least expect it. Let’s just say that some connections were not meant to last lol but they were definitely fun experiences.

I have made a bunch of new friends this year, and it’s been fun doing things out of my usual circles for a change. I have lost touch with some of my old friends and i am honestly going to try and get in touch with them more often. I still do a bunch of stupid, but fun shit with my regular peeps too.

I have become more adventurous this year in terms of the things I do, the clothes I wear, my hair, the things I say etc. I havent fully released my inhibitions but I am headed in that direction.

My spending has become horrible and I have no idea why. Oh wait, I do. It’s because of my love for things like great food, alcohol, and going out. This is the problem of being a single girl lol. But I work hard and party harder and i will never make excuses for that.

I am so glad there are only 60 days left in 2015, I cant wait to say Sayonara and good riddance. A lot is going to change at work and I am kinda antsy about it, but i hope it all works out.

I am excited about 2016 already, my last year in my twenties. I am thinking of creating a bucket list of things to so if you have any suggestions feel free to leave a comment on this post.

Hopefully I will find time to Ā create the actual list and post it on here.

November is National Writing Month, I doubt I will be participating, but you can check out my old posts from NaNoWriMo.

Also, I am thinking of bringing back 12 guest posts for Christmas this year, please take this little poll and let me know what you guys think. If you would like to submit a post for this, please leave a comment and I will hit you up.

I will conclude by apologizing for leaving you guys hanging for so long, sorry:)

By the end of the year I must know how to burst these moves! Justin Bieber nowadays is just releasing some really good music.

Adios!

28.5

2015 has been a year and a half. Now that we have passed the halfway mark, I am really hoping the year improves because it hasnt been all that to be honest. 2015 can do better.

July also marks me turning 28 and a half, and like I said it has been quite the year.

I ushered in the new year in Nairobi, which I think could be part of the problem. Never doing that again if I have anything to do with it. For some reason I just didnt have high hopes for the year. I am still tryna shake off that feeling just incase I seal my own fate.

Doesn’t it suck when good memories are tied to people who you are working hard to forget? Then the bad memories somehow find a way to sneak into your head and take you to that horrible place again?

The first half of 2015 to be honest was just me trying to love myself and rebuilding my self worth after someone tore it down. I am not proud of the fact that I was kinda broken.

I am now almost 98% whole again and it feels really good. A lot of lessons learned and for sure nobody is going to take my power again, I hope. Good thing about blogging is you can read this just to remind yourself of these life lessons.

This was the year I discovered just how strong I am. To be honest I didnt think I was weak before, but I cant help but question the need for some things to happen.

Before I would have said that it’s all in God’s plan but not anymore. What is his plan? Why do somethings happen? Is it in his plan for bad things to happen like death, rape, accidents etc? Sometimes I wonder why God would create someone just for their fate to be to die in some horribleĀ act of terrorism for example. It just doesnt make sense to me anymore.

Right now I am kinda lost when it comes to my faith. I have had some difficult times and I didnt know where to turn to because I am upset with God. So I have just been outchea hanging in limbo because deep down I need something to believe in and I wont let it be him. That’s like the worst feeling when you dont know who to turn to for help, or who to thank.

I guess I would rather not turn to God because I dont wanna be more pissed at him and blame for all the shit that goes wrong.

This post wasnt meant to be about my crisis in faith, but i guess it is still a part of me at 28.5 years old.

I am trying not to be afraid of going out and getting what I want. I am in control of my own happiness and I no longer do shit just because I want to please others. I am not looking for acceptance, I have been different my whole life. This is me, take it or leave it. I am still struggling with a few things here and there, like thinking that how i treat others is how they will treat me. I am starting to think that maybe i need to become more selfish, thinking about others first has always just made me sad or hurt me and doesnt seem worth it anymore. Ā I am not perfect, in fact i try embrace my imperfections as much as i can.

I think I would love myself a whole lot more if people didnt make me feel bad about the person that i am. Not that i am saying that i get negative vibes all the time, just that the sad reality of life is that the bad things is what sticks with us most of the time. Whether what they say is true or not, it still stings nonetheless.

I am still growing and trying to discover who I am, maybe also trying to change in some way. I dont want to stay the same because that means nothing will change. I am at that point in my life where i am yearning for new things and new experiences.

My motto for the rest of the year is to do me, not to accept mediocre shit, to work as hard as I can, and above all else to be happy.

I dont have any grand plans for the rest of the year, I will just play it by ear I guess.

May all my pain be in the form of champagne

WIP

One of my biggest fears when it comes to anything I post online is that i am foreseeing something that’s gonna happen in future. The fact that i subconsciously knew what would happen to me creeps me out.

I was going through my Twitter favorites this past weekend and came across this:

happy

I stumbled upon this in December, when i was pumped with endorphins and very happy, and even then I felt some type of way just reading it. I felt afraid that the moment wouldn’t last and it was not a feeling I was ready to lose at the time.

Well, ish got taken away and I am still happy when my head is not filled with negativity. I want to be able to control my own happiness and not base it on things or on people.

If happiness is a choice, can I choose to have it forever on my own terms? I dont want to not enjoy moments because it’s a sign it will be taken away. I dont want to be responsible for other people’s happiness, only for them to take it for granted. I am going to be selfish with my joy.

One thing I have always struggled with is seeking validation from other people. This wanting to be liked business is something I inherited from one of my parents and it’s something I have been fighting to take control of.

I know some people who really do not give a hoot about what other’s think of them and i greatly admire them for that.

I am trying to tell myself that i am a unique flavor that not everyone will like but part of me wonders why I am not as tasty to some people. Maybe it’s because I seem to think that I am the ish and it’s impossible for people not to know thisšŸ˜‰ I am slowly learning to get over myself and not to give a damn about people’s opinions. I am like 67% there lol

One thing I am coming to learn and dislike is the fact that we are all work in progress. God/the universe or whatever seems to find the need to take us through things so that we can grow or whatever *rolls eyes*. Ā Like we will never be good enough, things will get thrown our way to mold us into other things and not necessarily make us better human beings. What’s the point? Will this cycle ever end?

These are just some of the things that have been running through my head of late.