Playing the victim

For the past few weeks, I have been listening to podcasts during my long commute to work. Kenyan radio has really become boring, plus I was looking to start my day with some food for thought. Something that would challenge my current mindset and basically overhaul it.

I began with Jesus and Jollof by Luvvie Ajayi and Yvonne Orji, two Nigerian immigrants who have made it in America. Their podcast is both uplifting and entertaining as they speak about the challenges they faced as they built their careers and relationships, and how everything they do is deeply rooted in their faith.

Oprah’s soul sessions are also pretty cool, and the best interview for me so far was with Paulo Coelho. I must remember to read the alchemist again.

Today I stumbled upon Robin Sharma’s podcast, on why your words matter. He said something that really resonated with me.

We were born to be leaders, not constructed to be victims.

I have really been playing the victim these past few months. I constantly have been asking myself:

  • Why am I not good enough?
  • Why are these things happening to me?
  • Why do I keep getting rejected?
  • Why am I getting so many Ls?
  • What have I done to deserve all of this?

I have just been constantly feeling sorry for myself and twisting everything to make myself the victim. I thought about this a lot in traffic today and started crying even because I don’t even know how to think like a leader. I’m so wrapped up in feeling bad about my current situation.

I got some perspective and let me give this other way of thinking a shot:

  • I have a heart of gold, all those people who have taken me for granted will realise they made a big mistake.
  • I am stronger than all of my nos.
  • I always do my best in everything that i do, and this will never go in vain.
  • I am more than enough, too bad for all those who do not see it.
  • I feel things and I will be vocal about those feelings.
  • My season of yes is on the way, and this is preparation for me to savour it.

I don’t want to play the victim anymore. There is opportunity in every situation and I hope I can purpose to find it.

 

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Bad energy stay far away

Isn’t this such a beautiful song?!! Don Ngatia’s voice is so sexy and sultry, the perfect soundtrack for this post.

2018 has not been easy. I have been trying to figure out why this is so. Is it because I ushered in the new year in Nairobi? This was my excuse for the horridness that was 2016 Is it because I am no longer religious? Am I being punished for no longer having a relationship with God?

We are in the last quarter of the year and it has already gone to shit. We suffered a death in the family this week, the most precious 9 year old was taken away from us and it hurts like fuck. I cannot even fathom what his parents are going through, no parent should have to bury their own child. As cliche as it sounds though, he is in a much better place now and I hope he is his ever jolly self in heaven. (Yes, I still believe. In heaven and everything else).

I lost a friend in June this year in the most tragic of ways. The last time I saw her was just before new years, we used to hang out a few years back but I guess life got in the way. She had really lived her best life though, total embodiment of ‘eating life with a big spoon’.

I came here to write because I just needed to get stuff off my chest. The first thing I did was to read my last post which is funny enough part of the reason I am back here once again. Feeling unworthy of love and somehow imperfect because they never stick. I am going through the same freaking cycle once again, and I do not understand why… I will not dive deep into it because it seems I already covered it in February so I am just gonna take my L and exit left now and hope it does not cause any more damage.

Career wise, this has been the hardest year of my life. I have never faced so many challenges, never questioned my worth and my abilities as much as I have been forced to this year. I have always worked my ass off, work ethic inherited from my mum and it’s something I will continue to do despite everything.

On the flip side, I have learnt so much and gained so much exposure, and I do not take all this for granted. I am still against this whole thing for going through shit just for you to become stronger, but it’s whatever I guess.

I had always wanted a job that allowed me to travel and this year I have spent half my time outside of Nairobi. The experiences have been amazing but I always found myself missing my family, friends, and great moments. It really was not all I thought it would be. I still believe maybe I would enjoy it more if my travels were abroad.

I have been feeling like I am ageing like a banana rather than fine wine. My skin has betrayed me in the worst way and I am taking drastic measures to try and tackle these issues that I am having. Let us not even talk about my weight, I am gaining pounds by the day smh.

I do not know if this is a good thing or not, but I do know many people haven’t had the easiest time this year. I dunno if it is because mercury is in lucozade, but surely something has got to give!

Let’s hope this bad energy stays far away for the rest of the year. We all just need to catch a break and get some wins!

 

31 and still clueless AF

I started writing this blog in 2009 and 9 years later, nothing much has changed. I’m still really clueless AF!

When it comes to men especially, I think it’s safe to say that I clearly do not know what I’m doing, even if I had convinced myself that I had it all figured out.

It has been almost a decade of failed relationships and very very many almost relationships aka situationships.

One literally broke me, and as I came to find out, made me not a nice person, supposedly.

Of course there have been patterns which I have grown to recognize and become accustomed to, but unfortunately they always end up with the same result.

Things always start out with gusto, we talk everyday, see each other frequently, flirt to death and can’t get our hands off each other.

Did I tell you guys I’m the master at banter? I even do it for my friends and the results are mostly good. Maybe I should provide this as a service? 🤔

Anyway long story short, many have gotten away. Some in good terms with a window for something in future, and others in cordial terms where nothing can ever materialize.

Things just fizzled out for one reason or the other. I have met many men who talk a big (but small) game that never comes to pass. Others have done the bare minimum without any shame.

I had reached the point where I concluded that I would have to find different men for different needs. I still honestly think this can work because it seems I can’t find this one man who can be it for me.

As I get older, I am starting to think that maybe men aren’t the problem, maybe it’s me. I’m outchea thinking I’m the shit but can’t seem to find just one guy who actually thinks so too.

I have a cute face, what I believe to be a good sense of humor and a good heart. But this doesn’t seem to be enough though. The culture keeps telling us not to put our hearts on our sleeves, not to deal our hand to quickly.

Women are constantly being told that we have to manipulate our way into men’s hearts instead of just being true to ourselves.

Marriage has never been the end all, be all for me. In fact I have barely been in a long term relationship, at my age smh.

Times have been tough for many couples out there, with very many of them not even surviving.

I honestly don’t want to be a part of the statistics. I’m still very much a strong believer of ‘men are trash’ as they continuously keep disappointing me. Yet, I would still like companionship, someone I can do nice things for, curate music playlists for, someone to take care of me, someone I can rely on, someone to keep me warm at night, someone I can trust and many other things.

I don’t know why this doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me yet. If I pass 38 and this hasn’t happened yet I will definitely blame myself for speaking this into existence.

So imagine I just came back on here to throw myself a pity party.  I just needed to vent and map out my thoughts somehow so that I would know the way forward.

 

 

Mid-year Crisis

Hey there strangers!

Yeah, I know it has been a minute, half the year has gone by and I bet the silence must have been deafening.

Well, the last few months have been a whirlwind to say the least. So many good things and bad things have happened. I am not quite sure about how I feel about 2017.

I know it’s impossible to have 2 good years in a row. This year has just been see-sawing so much I cannot quite call it.

This has definitely been the year where many of my loved ones have come of age. From baby showers and bachelorette parties, to celebrating new born babies, baptisms and weddings. It’s been great seeing many of them transition in life and be in their element. It has brought me great joy seeing them all look so happy and content.

I finished my Masters project, and passed despite barely getting help from my school and doing it last minute kawaida yangu. Unfortunately, due to the failure of my school to assist me, and stringent rules from the embassy, I was unable to attend my graduation in Europe in July. To be honest I was quite gutted, it just seemed like that trip was not meant to be as so many things went wrong in the midst of my preparations.

I took a loan to pay for my post graduate studies online, and I worked my ass off only to discover the school doesn’t give a rats ass about me as their student. I cannot wait to get my certificates and be done with them for good. I am timing the USIU graduation so that I can borrow my cousins gown and go to Studio Mona for a photoshoot, for some evidence that I have a Master’s degree.

I was so excited about taking a Euro trip, and now all I am doing is watching my friends have fun in Europe and enjoy the trips I was meant to be on #KiwaruIsReal

I have been seeking instant gratification in different ways ever since I decided this graduation thing was not gonna happen. My wanderlust is on over-drive and I must travel somewhere, several places before the year ends.

I did get to go to Dar Es Salaam just after Easter and it really is a beautiful place. The beaches are a sight to behold, and their food is divine. I went out to two clubs and really enjoyed myself, Tanzanians sure know how to have a good time.

Career-wise, I have never gotten this much exposure like I have this year. From being featured in top 25 lists, to featuring in the papers, and presenting awards. It’s been great being recognized for my work.

At the same breadth, this is somewhat a new field for me and events have occurred which have honestly knocked my confidence. I am always doubting and second guessing myself which is something that is totally new to me. I am taking steps to work on this though, and I hope they will bear fruit because I cannot continue like this.

Health wise, I continue gaining weight and becoming even chunkier. Many of my clothes do not fit anymore, and even my knees are getting affected. I have decided though to take care of myself by exercising regularly and eating healthier. This has been inspired by many of my friends thriving in my fitness journey.

This year has also brought the realization that some friendships were just for a season and have reached their shelf life.

Elections are happening next week and I am really hoping things go well because the country is basically on pause until we get over and done with them.

Im just hoping the rest of the year improves because right now I am just down in the dumps, and constantly on edge.

 

 

A Letter from Future Me

So after all the hating i did here i finally received my letter from the past today. As I read it i couldnt help but wonder why i was so in love with the idea of love given what i had been through the year prior. I guess it must have been me trying to be optimistic.

I am also marveling at how some of the things i had willed for myself came into fruition. This just goes to show that the whole notion of ‘what you think about, you bring about’ isn’t a bunch of crap as I had originally thought.

Dear FutureMe,
Knowing you, you are probably freaking out that it’s twenty days to your birthday and you are just about to turn the big 3-0. Thinking about it now still scares me a bit, but I would like to think that you are currently in a good place and having nothing to worry about as you transition into this new decade.
I hope that you are currently with someone special, openly and deeply in love. The kind of love you didn’t have to think about to confirm whether you felt it, the kind that didn’t need heart break to discover it’s what you feel. I hope you finally got the love that you deserve, the kind that melts your heart and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I hope this person that loves you, loves every piece of you with every fiber of his being. He considers all your imperfections perfect, and helps you grow every single day. I hope he truly makes you happy and is a perfect fit into your life. I do not know if you will be ready, but I hope this love will be the stuff marriages will be made of. Thinking about him popping the question will seem like a dream come true and not a scary nightmare.
I hope he won’t start flaking on you now that it’s your birthday, and that he has a brilliant plan in store for you, accompanied by lots of birthday sex 😉
In terms of your career, I hope you love your new job and that it is immensely satisfying. I know you will have grown immensely in your field and that you are earning a healthy salary that helps you live comfortably. No more brokenness and living beyond your means madam! I hope going to work isn’t a task but something that you look forward to everyday, and that your work environment is pleasant and your new colleagues are easy to work with and nice.
Have you gone back to the gym? How does it feel having lost 10 more Kgs? Do people look at you different? Have you changed your wardrobe? Are you going to lose some more? I hope you stayed on our fitness tip madam!
As you turn 30, I hope you have grown even more, I really hope you didn’t have to go through even more pain just to become a better person. I hope you made peace with God, I know we have been struggling with that.
I hope you still value your self-worth, and that you love yourself even more. Self love is the best love.
I hope your hair grew, that all our hardwork and nurturing bore fruit.
I know we didn’t have goals for the big thirty, but I really hope you are in a happy place with no regrets and filled with hope for the future.
Lots of Love,
28 year old me.

So a brief update of my current status based on this letter:

  • I am not actually freaked out about turning 30, I am worried though that I have no idea how I will usher it in with enough razzmatazz as I would like.
  • I am NOT deeply in love 🙂 Maybe lust, but that is a story for another day. I do not expect any brilliant birthday plan from any man sadly.
  • I got a new job and i love it.
  • No more brokeness and living beyond my means (Praise God).
  • I went back to the gym this week, like 16kgs heavier smh. I cannot change my wardrobe till I lose majority of that weight.
  • I did go through pain, but the kind that didnt break me but still made me stronger.
  • I’m at peace. My relationship with God is still messed up.
  • I love myself a whole lot more.
  • My hair grew but im still having issues with it -_-

And finally, it seems I was spot on because i am in a happy place and very hopeful for the future 🙂

2017 will definitely be filled with lots of positive affirmations from me.

 

MMXVII

Hello 2017!!!

First up, I’m extremely disappointed that the email I wrote to future me did not get delivered because I refuse to monetarily support their cause 😒.

So I decided since I am currently on the road, with lots of time, this is a perfect opportunity to put down my thoughts on this here blog of mine.

2016 started off on a crazy tangent and it has been a fun and exhilarating ride. I partied a whole lot this year, I have had so many epic nights coupled with memory loss that I cannot count. Iv met so many cool people during these escapades which made them even more memorable.

Work wise, 2016 was a very fruitful year filled with lots of learning curves and topped up with a whole lot of stress. I took on a new role where I ended up learning so much while at the same time building a legacy for myself.

I got a new job which I started in December and it was extremely hard leaving the place I called home for over 8 years (yes I am that old).

When it comes to matters of the Martians, 2016 was just extremely liberating.

“Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:24

Apart from John 3:16 this may be the only other bible verse that I know.

After the great heartbreak of 2015 I think my heart is safely locked far far away. I am still trying to figure out if I am so far gone and have become an emotionless woman.

But it feels nice not wanting to make homes out of people, not building fairytales out of mole hills. I have had my fun without having to settle on anyone, and not getting bothered about not being settled on.

With regard to my health, I am now the fattest I have ever been. It’s hard staying healthy and regularly working out when you are busy, or there’s no help in the house. It’s also hard because I was not really motivated (aka I was happy).

As for my friendships, I built new ones, strengthened old ones, lost touch with some while others where tried and tested.

I won’t lie, I’m kind of considering not cosnciously making new friends because I have so many and it is becoming so difficult maintaining those friendships. It’s now become the case of quality over quantity, I’d rather be a good friend to few rather than a friend to many.

As for my relationship with God, I’m still waiting for salvation and not necessarily seeking it. However, it has been refreshing taking responsibility for my own actions and situations, without blaming God for everything that happens.

2016 was all in all a good year, and despite my fears I have great hopes for 2017. Here are a few things I hope to achieve this year:

-Have a memorable 30th birthday at the end of this month. I want a birthday bae and to travel somewhere on that day/week.

-I must graduate with my Masters this year. I plan on putting in all my effort towards completing my thesis by March. I’m crossing my fingers that graduation will be somewhere cool like London.

-I want to be diligent and ensure I am excellent at my job. I must win an industry accolade in my current role and if possible I’m aiming for Top 40 under 40.

-In 2017 I want to travel outside of Kenya more. Top 3 destinations are Dubai, South Africa and New York.

-I may have to concede to the pressure and move out of my parents house. I was waiting to be removed from there by my future husband but I think maybe living alone might be good for me.

-I have never been that chic who yearns for new cars but I am seriously considering getting some new wheels.

-I am working towards being debt free by the end of 2017. I also hope to improve how I manage my finances, this living beyond my means business has become a bit too played out.

-I want to loose 20 kgs by December 2017 and somehow make this a permanent lifestyle.

-I must get braces.

-I will know the man I will marry by December. By know I mean I will be with someone who I can picture spending the rest of my life with, and he will feel the same way about me.

-I want to be present this year for my family and friends and the milestones they will be going through.

-I plan on setting up a side hustle, I cannot continue being comfortable with a single source of income.

Finally, I want to let go of the fear of wanting good things in my life. I strongly believe these are all achievable goals that I am definitely worthy of. I am embracing nothing but good positive vibes in this brand spanking new year!

How was 2016 for you? What are you looking forward to or hoping for in 2017?

 

 

Rejection

I recently marked the one year anniversary of when my last serious crush confessed he liked me too. To be honest that was one of the best days of my life.

This was simply because this was the second time fate had randomly decided to bring us together so i never expected it, and secondly we had an amazing time together that day.

This guy used to make my ears burn the first time i met him, as in I did not even know that my ears could do that! It also didn’t help that he was extremely hot, smelt like heaven and dressed to the nines.

Anyway, here I was thinking that my life was gonna change and we were beginning this brand new love story but alas, fate had other ideas. Things didnt work out between us, the last 2 times I saw him were nothing short of disastrous, which was mostly my fault i think.

As i reminisced about him, i couldn’t help but wonder what could have gone wrong.

*Commercial Break*

So I just opened my instagram and a quote pops up >> “Nothing screws you up more than thinking about what could have been”

Well played universe :p

*Back to regular programming*

This post to be honest was not about wondering what could have been, in fact I am almost 80% sure that this story is dead for sure.

It did however make me think about rejection and what traits I have that broke the deal. It does not really bother me that he does not think I am the woman for him. I learnt the hard way last year that I cannot force people to believe i am the bees knees. I know I am not for everyone and it really is ok. I would not want someone to be with me if they felt that I was not really what they were looking for, but felt they needed to out of guilt or something. My mantra has become ‘If you do not want to be with me, it’s your loss.’

It also got me thinking about the people I have rejected as well, and the reasons why i may have felt we were not a good fit. These reasons I wont lie may be petty AF and they range from bad breath, lazy eye, weird endowments, lack of conversation, they hooked up with someone I know, horrible wardrobes, lack of effort, stalkerish tendencies, soft kisses etc

After reviewing said reasons, i realized that I would probably give half the men I rejected another chance if they tried. We can blame this on boredom, the need for a free meal, not giving a damn, wondering what if, and the fact that i honestly believe in giving people a second chance.

So if you got a second chance to make a lasting impression on someone me, what would you do?