28.5

2015 has been a year and a half. Now that we have passed the halfway mark, I am really hoping the year improves because it hasnt been all that to be honest. 2015 can do better.

July also marks me turning 28 and a half, and like I said it has been quite the year.

I ushered in the new year in Nairobi, which I think could be part of the problem. Never doing that again if I have anything to do with it. For some reason I just didnt have high hopes for the year. I am still tryna shake off that feeling just incase I seal my own fate.

Doesn’t it suck when good memories are tied to people who you are working hard to forget? Then the bad memories somehow find a way to sneak into your head and take you to that horrible place again?

The first half of 2015 to be honest was just me trying to love myself and rebuilding my self worth after someone tore it down. I am not proud of the fact that I was kinda broken.

I am now almost 98% whole again and it feels really good. A lot of lessons learned and for sure nobody is going to take my power again, I hope. Good thing about blogging is you can read this just to remind yourself of these life lessons.

This was the year I discovered just how strong I am. To be honest I didnt think I was weak before, but I cant help but question the need for some things to happen.

Before I would have said that it’s all in God’s plan but not anymore. What is his plan? Why do somethings happen? Is it in his plan for bad things to happen like death, rape, accidents etc? Sometimes I wonder why God would create someone just for their fate to be to die in some horrible act of terrorism for example. It just doesnt make sense to me anymore.

Right now I am kinda lost when it comes to my faith. I have had some difficult times and I didnt know where to turn to because I am upset with God. So I have just been outchea hanging in limbo because deep down I need something to believe in and I wont let it be him. That’s like the worst feeling when you dont know who to turn to for help, or who to thank.

I guess I would rather not turn to God because I dont wanna be more pissed at him and blame for all the shit that goes wrong.

This post wasnt meant to be about my crisis in faith, but i guess it is still a part of me at 28.5 years old.

I am trying not to be afraid of going out and getting what I want. I am in control of my own happiness and I no longer do shit just because I want to please others. I am not looking for acceptance, I have been different my whole life. This is me, take it or leave it. I am still struggling with a few things here and there, like thinking that how i treat others is how they will treat me. I am starting to think that maybe i need to become more selfish, thinking about others first has always just made me sad or hurt me and doesnt seem worth it anymore.  I am not perfect, in fact i try embrace my imperfections as much as i can.

I think I would love myself a whole lot more if people didnt make me feel bad about the person that i am. Not that i am saying that i get negative vibes all the time, just that the sad reality of life is that the bad things is what sticks with us most of the time. Whether what they say is true or not, it still stings nonetheless.

I am still growing and trying to discover who I am, maybe also trying to change in some way. I dont want to stay the same because that means nothing will change. I am at that point in my life where i am yearning for new things and new experiences.

My motto for the rest of the year is to do me, not to accept mediocre shit, to work as hard as I can, and above all else to be happy.

I dont have any grand plans for the rest of the year, I will just play it by ear I guess.

May all my pain be in the form of champagne