31 and still clueless AF

I started writing this blog in 2009 and 9 years later, nothing much has changed. I’m still really clueless AF!

When it comes to men especially, I think it’s safe to say that I clearly do not know what I’m doing, even if I had convinced myself that I had it all figured out.

It has been almost a decade of failed relationships and very very many almost relationships aka situationships.

One literally broke me, and as I came to find out, made me not a nice person, supposedly.

Of course there have been patterns which I have grown to recognize and become accustomed to, but unfortunately they always end up with the same result.

Things always start out with gusto, we talk everyday, see each other frequently, flirt to death and can’t get our hands off each other.

Did I tell you guys I’m the master at banter? I even do it for my friends and the results are mostly good. Maybe I should provide this as a service? 🤔

Anyway long story short, many have gotten away. Some in good terms with a window for something in future, and others in cordial terms where nothing can ever materialize.

Things just fizzled out for one reason or the other. I have met many men who talk a big (but small) game that never comes to pass. Others have done the bare minimum without any shame.

I had reached the point where I concluded that I would have to find different men for different needs. I still honestly think this can work because it seems I can’t find this one man who can be it for me.

As I get older, I am starting to think that maybe men aren’t the problem, maybe it’s me. I’m outchea thinking I’m the shit but can’t seem to find just one guy who actually thinks so too.

I have a cute face, what I believe to be a good sense of humor and a good heart. But this doesn’t seem to be enough though. The culture keeps telling us not to put our hearts on our sleeves, not to deal our hand to quickly.

Women are constantly being told that we have to manipulate our way into men’s hearts instead of just being true to ourselves.

Marriage has never been the end all, be all for me. In fact I have barely been in a long term relationship, at my age smh.

Times have been tough for many couples out there, with very many of them not even surviving.

I honestly don’t want to be a part of the statistics. I’m still very much a strong believer of ‘men are trash’ as they continuously keep disappointing me. Yet, I would still like companionship, someone I can do nice things for, curate music playlists for, someone to take care of me, someone I can rely on, someone to keep me warm at night, someone I can trust and many other things.

I don’t know why this doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me yet. If I pass 38 and this hasn’t happened yet I will definitely blame myself for speaking this into existence.

So imagine I just came back on here to throw myself a pity party.  I just needed to vent and map out my thoughts somehow so that I would know the way forward.