I have just gotten home from the Aga Khan, where I had gone to donate blood for my cousin who is currently in the HDU after having surgery today. He seems to be ok, even if he needed a blood transfusion.
The last time I donated blood (which was actually my first time), it wasn’t the best of experiences. They had trouble finding my veins and i could barely fill an entire bag of blood.
Today i decided to ignore my general displeasure at the thought of going through that again and drove to hospital with the sole mission of conquering my ‘fear’ and doing whatever i could to help my cousin.
I was also strongly driven by the fact that I am deathly terrified that he may not pull through and i would not be able to handle it if i didnt do everything i could to help him during his time of need.
This is what life has come to, living each moment with everybody as if it may be their last. My actions have become 90% based on the fact that the people i am interacting with may die at any moment.
I am savouring every moment i spend with people, while at the same time trying to document that moment by taking a picture or video so that it can be immortalised forever.
My friend Juliana passed away a few weeks ago, and it still does not seem real to me.
I have been trying to find time and strength to talk about this on here, and this seems like the best time.
Julie was like a breath of fresh air. You couldnt walk into a room and not notice her big gorgeous smile, bubbly voice and her unique sense of style.
She was such a beautiful soul, if i knew I would never get a chance to bask in her awesomeness again, I would have found a way to bottle it and keep it somewhere i could revel in it forever.
Everyday i have those moments that i realise that she is gone forever. I dig through my memory to remember her laugh, and what her voice sounds like. I look at the pictures we took together and wish i could travel back into time.
Of course I have lots of ‘what ifs’ and ‘shoulda, woulda, couldas’.
Anyway, writing this is just too hard so maybe next time i will be strong enough to say everything i wanna say about my dear friend Cooxie.
I am really tired of crying, and honestly my heart cant handle any more breaks as it is.
So my 1st of the month July edition has been lying in my drafts since the beginning of August, and I have decided to just continue from where i left off.
July was an awesome month I must admit. I ushered it in from the sandy beaches of Diani Beach in Mombasa.
The weather was perfect, not too hot, though sometimes it drizzled but that didnt dampen our holiday. My friends were participating in the Diani Touch Rugby Tournament and we had so much fun.
I also got to meet some new people and I got to see some different sides of people which I did not know about but was still intrigued by.
I took a trip to Uganda in August which was such a fun experience. The people there are so nice, things are cheap and I also got to see Lake Victoria for the first time. Ever since hyacinth destroyed Nairobi dam and some parts of Lake Victoria, I had no idea it was such a beautiful water body. I took pics but they are somewhere lost inside my dropbox -_- (why dont wordpress have emojis yet? or have i been away this long?)
2015 was definitely the year for frequent flying, I also passed by Kisumu Dala and that cirry is the bomb!! I had no idea what to expect, but I was pleased to find it had a Uganda, Mombasa feel to it. We had tilapia by the lakeside, the fish was ginormous, like super huge! We ate 1 fish between 4 people! Lake Victoria is just so beautiful, I honestly couldn’t get over it.
The past 3 months have been somewhat difficult, from my folks and even myself getting sick, so many other people getting sick, numerous hospital visits bleurghh. I didnt like that part much, but I am happy to report that everybody is now in somewhat good health and i hope this remains the same for as long as possible.
Work has been crazy as well, I had to take up another role in addition to what I already do. It’s been challenging but I am learning a lot which will be beneficial for my career since I joined an area I had not specialized in.
School has also been quit busy, in fact the only reason i am able to do this post right now is because I submitted my final paper for this semester yesterday and I have the day off tomorrow so I finally have some free time to blog after way too long.
Religion wise, nothing much has changed since my last post. My faith continues to dwindle, I do not know whether to be thankful when things go well, or turn to him during times of trouble so I am just there. I just have this fight with myself during these times and I decide to do nothing.
I think God spoke to me recently, twice to be exact. I had a dream where he asked me why i abandoned him, I dont remember whether I responded to him or not. I also spotted a post on spiritual inspiration on tumblr whose message felt like God speaking to me because it totally applied to me.
The fact that I believe God spoke to me goes to show I havent fallen so far from the faith wagon, I just need time to get over shit and try to understand him and find my way back, somehow. This part of the post is not a call for anybody to tell me how to seek him though, I know the ways and maybe one day I will use them.
Last night I ran into an old school mate of mine and he told me he was a father of 3! My good friend got married in September, my boy is engaged, my other friend just recently gave birth, while as for me the only thing I nature and protect is my Samsung Note 2 :’)
It really is great seeing people move to the next phases of their lives though. We each have a different path and it’s nice to see how we all play it out. At the moment, my path is on self development. My career and education are what i am currently focusing on. I have also managed to maintain the healthy lifestyle tip I started way over in February.
This year I got to reconnect with some people from my past who I had unfinished business with. Life has a funny way of bringing people together when you least expect it. Let’s just say that some connections were not meant to last lol but they were definitely fun experiences.
I have made a bunch of new friends this year, and it’s been fun doing things out of my usual circles for a change. I have lost touch with some of my old friends and i am honestly going to try and get in touch with them more often. I still do a bunch of stupid, but fun shit with my regular peeps too.
I have become more adventurous this year in terms of the things I do, the clothes I wear, my hair, the things I say etc. I havent fully released my inhibitions but I am headed in that direction.
My spending has become horrible and I have no idea why. Oh wait, I do. It’s because of my love for things like great food, alcohol, and going out. This is the problem of being a single girl lol. But I work hard and party harder and i will never make excuses for that.
I am so glad there are only 60 days left in 2015, I cant wait to say Sayonara and good riddance. A lot is going to change at work and I am kinda antsy about it, but i hope it all works out.
I am excited about 2016 already, my last year in my twenties. I am thinking of creating a bucket list of things to so if you have any suggestions feel free to leave a comment on this post.
Hopefully I will find time to create the actual list and post it on here.
November is National Writing Month, I doubt I will be participating, but you can check out my old posts from NaNoWriMo.
Also, I am thinking of bringing back 12 guest posts for Christmas this year, please take this little poll and let me know what you guys think. If you would like to submit a post for this, please leave a comment and I will hit you up.
I will conclude by apologizing for leaving you guys hanging for so long, sorry 🙂
By the end of the year I must know how to burst these moves! Justin Bieber nowadays is just releasing some really good music.
2015 has been a year and a half. Now that we have passed the halfway mark, I am really hoping the year improves because it hasnt been all that to be honest. 2015 can do better.
July also marks me turning 28 and a half, and like I said it has been quite the year.
I ushered in the new year in Nairobi, which I think could be part of the problem. Never doing that again if I have anything to do with it. For some reason I just didnt have high hopes for the year. I am still tryna shake off that feeling just incase I seal my own fate.
Doesn’t it suck when good memories are tied to people who you are working hard to forget? Then the bad memories somehow find a way to sneak into your head and take you to that horrible place again?
The first half of 2015 to be honest was just me trying to love myself and rebuilding my self worth after someone tore it down. I am not proud of the fact that I was kinda broken.
I am now almost 98% whole again and it feels really good. A lot of lessons learned and for sure nobody is going to take my power again, I hope. Good thing about blogging is you can read this just to remind yourself of these life lessons.
This was the year I discovered just how strong I am. To be honest I didnt think I was weak before, but I cant help but question the need for some things to happen.
Before I would have said that it’s all in God’s plan but not anymore. What is his plan? Why do somethings happen? Is it in his plan for bad things to happen like death, rape, accidents etc? Sometimes I wonder why God would create someone just for their fate to be to die in some horrible act of terrorism for example. It just doesnt make sense to me anymore.
Right now I am kinda lost when it comes to my faith. I have had some difficult times and I didnt know where to turn to because I am upset with God. So I have just been outchea hanging in limbo because deep down I need something to believe in and I wont let it be him. That’s like the worst feeling when you dont know who to turn to for help, or who to thank.
I guess I would rather not turn to God because I dont wanna be more pissed at him and blame for all the shit that goes wrong.
This post wasnt meant to be about my crisis in faith, but i guess it is still a part of me at 28.5 years old.
I am trying not to be afraid of going out and getting what I want. I am in control of my own happiness and I no longer do shit just because I want to please others. I am not looking for acceptance, I have been different my whole life. This is me, take it or leave it. I am still struggling with a few things here and there, like thinking that how i treat others is how they will treat me. I am starting to think that maybe i need to become more selfish, thinking about others first has always just made me sad or hurt me and doesnt seem worth it anymore. I am not perfect, in fact i try embrace my imperfections as much as i can.
I think I would love myself a whole lot more if people didnt make me feel bad about the person that i am. Not that i am saying that i get negative vibes all the time, just that the sad reality of life is that the bad things is what sticks with us most of the time. Whether what they say is true or not, it still stings nonetheless.
I am still growing and trying to discover who I am, maybe also trying to change in some way. I dont want to stay the same because that means nothing will change. I am at that point in my life where i am yearning for new things and new experiences.
My motto for the rest of the year is to do me, not to accept mediocre shit, to work as hard as I can, and above all else to be happy.
I dont have any grand plans for the rest of the year, I will just play it by ear I guess.
One of my biggest fears when it comes to anything I post online is that i am foreseeing something that’s gonna happen in future. The fact that i subconsciously knew what would happen to me creeps me out.
I was going through my Twitter favorites this past weekend and came across this:
I stumbled upon this in December, when i was pumped with endorphins and very happy, and even then I felt some type of way just reading it. I felt afraid that the moment wouldn’t last and it was not a feeling I was ready to lose at the time.
Well, ish got taken away and I am still happy when my head is not filled with negativity. I want to be able to control my own happiness and not base it on things or on people.
If happiness is a choice, can I choose to have it forever on my own terms? I dont want to not enjoy moments because it’s a sign it will be taken away. I dont want to be responsible for other people’s happiness, only for them to take it for granted. I am going to be selfish with my joy.
One thing I have always struggled with is seeking validation from other people. This wanting to be liked business is something I inherited from one of my parents and it’s something I have been fighting to take control of.
I know some people who really do not give a hoot about what other’s think of them and i greatly admire them for that.
I am trying to tell myself that i am a unique flavor that not everyone will like but part of me wonders why I am not as tasty to some people. Maybe it’s because I seem to think that I am the ish and it’s impossible for people not to know this 😉 I am slowly learning to get over myself and not to give a damn about people’s opinions. I am like 67% there lol
One thing I am coming to learn and dislike is the fact that we are all work in progress. God/the universe or whatever seems to find the need to take us through things so that we can grow or whatever *rolls eyes*. Like we will never be good enough, things will get thrown our way to mold us into other things and not necessarily make us better human beings. What’s the point? Will this cycle ever end?
These are just some of the things that have been running through my head of late.
Damn, i have been trying to write this post all week. Anyhoosmu, this picture really represents the month of May. It’s all about me 🙂
My Easter was really chilled out, got plenty of RnR.
My friend got married earlier this month, and he looked so happy he was dancing down the aisle 🙂
I got to drive high end luxury vehicles that i thought I would only get to ride in on my wedding day. It was so much fun and exhilarating, plus I realised those cars are expensive for a reason. The car practically drives itself!
I was interviewed on Capital In the Morning and it was so much fun. There’s a reason they call it the midweek party, and we had a blast kicking it with the team in studio.
I had my many cheap thrills, good times discovering new spots in Nairobi and meeting old friends.
I have become socially awkward, I cannot do small talk anymore!
I keep finding out unpleasant ish every other time. I just wish this story would die once and for all grrr.
Things are a bit weird between God and I. When things were bad 1 or 2 months ago, I really prayed and I went to church but I feel like my prayers went unheard. I am questioning a lot of things and basically things are just awkward between us right now. Anyway maybe we need some space..
I had a confrontation with someone that I kinda regret but not really because it was something that had bothered me for a while.
I am stronger than I ever thought I was.
I need to learn how to accept compliments.
Gotta work on this passive aggression business.
What I Look Forward To In May
May has started out so well 🙂
I have 2 trips scheduled for this month, plus Im going white water rafting in 2 weeks.
I am just way more optimistic about this month, even in January I really didnt have high hopes for this year. So I am gonna do everything I can to make this month rock.
How was April for you? What are you looking forward to in May?
So i’ve been meaning to do 1st of the month for a while now, and seeing that it’s now the 13th it may be too late for me so i have decided to write this post and simply take stock of what’s been going on.
First up, something I am super stoked about is my fitness journey. I still work out 5 to 6 times a week, and my clothes are now getting loose and I love it 🙂 It’s fun watching my body change, and gain some functionalities that I wasn’t blessed with at birth. Working out has been an excellent avenue for me to vent my frustrations on, and trust me I have been very frustrated. I dont think I will go back to my old habits, so I hope to make this lifestyle change permanent.
I plan on participating in a run this year, I’m thinking maybe Mater Heart Run but we will see. Last time i participated in a walk was in 2003 and I couldnt walk for a day. I’m hoping this wont be the case this year seeing that I believe my leg is stronger.
I started working with some people on a project which can actually improve society and so far it’s been fun and exciting. I am really looking forward to playing a part in helping it grow.
I am going back to school next month, and I am kinda excited about it which is shocking. I was happy to come across a Master’s program which is in line with what I am passionate about. I am crossing my fingers this wont bring a conflict with the other stuff that I already have on my plate.
My mother has always been telling me ever since I could remember not to be too trusting, that people do not always have good intentions as much as I would like to believe. She keeps telling me this because she knows that unfortunately I like to think that people are good until they prove otherwise.
Well, I have learnt the head way. People are only looking out for themselves. No matter how genuine someone may seem, it could all just be lies.
The only silver lining is that this revelation hasn’t made me as bitter and as angry as i thought i would be. It’s whatever right now to be honest. I feel kinda lost on many things, so operating on zombie mode is my M.O at the moment.
Anyway 2015 has not quite started out as well as I would have liked it to, but by George I will do everything in my power to steer it in the right direction.