I have always believed that things happen for a reason, that we are meant to learn something from the things that happen in the universe. (This does not apply to death).
Last week, my world was sort of turned upside down. I wanted something which would have surely changed my life. I was sure I had it in the bag, I had already envisioned how things would be different and I was looking forward to it immensely.
I think I have mentioned it before, that I do not believe in the whole concept of ‘The Secret’. What you think about you bring about. This is how things work in my life: I want something, I yearn for it, I get excited about it, I don’t get it and I end up extremely disappointed. Yes, the universe has forced me to be pessimistic; optimism has never worked in my favor.
In this case, I was pessimistic in the beginning, but the signs indicated that things would work out my way, so I made the mistake of having hope. So things never worked out, and I have been miserable ever since. I cried my guts out, I felt sorry for myself, then I was angry and I have been pissed off ever since.
I really do not like questioning God, but it was something I found myself doing. I really wondered why he would let this happen, why he felt like I was undeserving of this opportunity. Was I not good enough? He knew I needed a change, why would he let me continue suffering?!
He knows the plans that he has for me, plans to prosper me, not to harm me. But I am hurting, isn’t that harmful to my well being? It is not fair, life is not fair. Far much worse things have happened to people, trust me I know this, but that doesn’t make me feel less horrible. Every person has their own personal hell which no one else can understand no matter how hard they try.
I wondered why I had to go through this, and I remembered in the bible when Jesus asked God to take this cup of suffering away from him. It made me wonder, if God could make Jesus suffer, what makes me any different?
I consider myself a good person, who upholds certain virtues, and I found myself wondering what was the point if my goodness will not be rewarded, or will not take me anywhere. Yes, I am aware that this thinking is very warped, but they are my thoughts and I cannot really control what crawls in there.
Due to these events, I was forced to accept that my life is the way it is and will never change any time soon. I try my best not to be sad about it, but today I found myself in tears yet again (damn female uncontrollable emotions).
This has been one of the most trying times of my life, I have been forced to abandoned any thoughts of the future, or having any hope for anything. I do not want anything to do with anything that will make me feel this way again.
Now life has thrown me a curve ball and I am so confused because it seems I have a chance of getting what I wanted in the first place. But I am so pissed off, because I cannot help but wonder why things had to happen this way. I have not learnt anything from this experience; in fact I think it has made me a worse person. I feel like just being defiant and ignore this whole thing all together, but I am really unhappy about my current situation so I cannot just throw this chance away out of stupid pride.
I do not know what to do, or what to feel or what to think….
I have read the above, but I am currently too damaged to believe it, maybe sometime in the future…