WIP

One of my biggest fears when it comes to anything I post online is that i am foreseeing something that’s gonna happen in future. The fact that i subconsciously knew what would happen to me creeps me out.

I was going through my Twitter favorites this past weekend and came across this:

happy

I stumbled upon this in December, when i was pumped with endorphins and very happy, and even then I felt some type of way just reading it. I felt afraid that the moment wouldn’t last and it was not a feeling I was ready to lose at the time.

Well, ish got taken away and I am still happy when my head is not filled with negativity. I want to be able to control my own happiness and not base it on things or on people.

If happiness is a choice, can I choose to have it forever on my own terms? I dont want to not enjoy moments because it’s a sign it will be taken away. I dont want to be responsible for other people’s happiness, only for them to take it for granted. I am going to be selfish with my joy.

One thing I have always struggled with is seeking validation from other people. This wanting to be liked business is something I inherited from one of my parents and it’s something I have been fighting to take control of.

I know some people who really do not give a hoot about what other’s think of them and i greatly admire them for that.

I am trying to tell myself that i am a unique flavor that not everyone will like but part of me wonders why I am not as tasty to some people. Maybe it’s because I seem to think that I am the ish and it’s impossible for people not to know this 😉 I am slowly learning to get over myself and not to give a damn about people’s opinions. I am like 67% there lol

One thing I am coming to learn and dislike is the fact that we are all work in progress. God/the universe or whatever seems to find the need to take us through things so that we can grow or whatever *rolls eyes*.  Like we will never be good enough, things will get thrown our way to mold us into other things and not necessarily make us better human beings. What’s the point? Will this cycle ever end?

These are just some of the things that have been running through my head of late.

 

 

 

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1st of the month

may

Damn, i have been trying to write this post all week. Anyhoosmu, this picture really represents the month of May. It’s all about me 🙂

April Highlights

My Easter was really chilled out, got plenty of RnR.

My friend got married earlier this month, and he looked so happy he was dancing down the aisle 🙂

I got to drive high end luxury vehicles that i thought I would only get to ride in on my wedding day. It was so much fun and exhilarating, plus I realised those cars are expensive for a reason. The car practically drives itself!

I was interviewed on Capital In the Morning and it was so much fun. There’s a reason they call it the midweek party, and we had a blast kicking it with the team in studio.

I had my many cheap thrills, good times discovering new spots in Nairobi and meeting old friends.

April Downsides

I have become socially awkward, I cannot do small talk anymore!

I keep finding out unpleasant ish every other time. I just wish this story would die once and for all grrr.

Things are a bit weird between God and I. When things were bad 1 or 2 months ago, I really prayed and I went to church but I feel like my prayers went unheard. I am questioning a lot of things and basically things are just awkward between us right now. Anyway maybe we need some space..

I had a confrontation with someone that I kinda regret but not really because it was something that had bothered me for a while.

April Discoveries

I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

I need to learn how to accept compliments.

Gotta work on this passive aggression business.

What I Look Forward To In May

May has started out so well 🙂

I have 2 trips scheduled for this month, plus Im going white water rafting in 2 weeks.

I am just way more optimistic about this month, even in January I really didnt have high hopes for this year. So I am gonna do everything I can to make this month rock.

How was April for you? What are you looking forward to in May?

My Funky Friday Theme Song 🙂