Confused is me!

I have always believed that things happen for a reason, that we are meant to learn something from the things that happen in the universe. (This does not apply to death).

Last week, my world was sort of turned upside down.  I wanted something which would have surely changed my life.  I was sure I had it in the bag, I had already envisioned how things would be different and I was looking forward to it immensely.

I think I have mentioned it before, that I do not believe in the whole concept of ‘The Secret’. What you think about you bring about. This is how things work in my life: I want something, I yearn for it, I get excited about it, I don’t get it and I end up extremely disappointed. Yes, the universe has forced me to be pessimistic; optimism has never worked in my favor.

In this case, I was pessimistic in the beginning, but the signs indicated that things would work out my way, so I made the mistake of having hope. So things never worked out, and I have been miserable ever since. I cried my guts out, I felt sorry for myself, then I was angry and I have been pissed off ever since.

I really do not like questioning God, but it was something I found myself doing. I really wondered why he would let this happen, why he felt like I was undeserving of this opportunity. Was I not good enough? He knew I needed a change, why would he let me continue suffering?!

He knows the plans that he has for me, plans to prosper me, not to harm me. But I am hurting, isn’t that harmful to my well being? It is not fair, life is not fair. Far much worse things have happened to people, trust me I know this, but that doesn’t make me feel less horrible. Every person has their own personal hell which no one else can understand no matter how hard they try.

I wondered why I had to go through this, and I remembered in the bible when Jesus asked God to take this cup of suffering away from him.  It made me wonder, if God could make Jesus suffer, what makes me any different?

I consider myself a good person, who upholds certain virtues, and I found myself wondering what was the point if my goodness will not be rewarded, or will not take me anywhere. Yes, I am aware that this thinking is very warped, but they are my thoughts and I cannot really control what crawls in there.

Due to these events, I was forced to accept that my life is the way it is and will never change any time soon. I try my best not to be sad about it, but today I found myself in tears yet again (damn female uncontrollable emotions).

This has been one of the most trying times of my life, I have been forced to abandoned any thoughts of the future, or having any hope for anything. I do not want anything to do with anything that will make me feel this way again.

Now life has thrown me a curve ball and I am so confused because it seems I have a chance of getting what I wanted in the first place. But I am so pissed off, because I cannot help but wonder why things had to happen this way. I have not learnt anything from this experience; in fact I think it has made me a worse person. I feel like just being defiant and ignore this whole thing all together, but I am really unhappy about my current situation so I cannot just throw this chance away out of stupid pride.

I do not know what to do, or what to feel or what to think….

I have read the above, but I am currently too damaged to believe it, maybe sometime in the future…


Politics ~ Why I do not give a damn!

On the morning of 27th December 2007, I woke up bright and early, filled with excitement because I was a 20 year old young lady, about to vote for the first time ever. My voters card was my ticket to elect the leaders of my choice, to make my voice be heard and to exercise my constitutional right to vote.

We got to Madaraka Primary School, which was my polling station, at about 8am, and the long queue stretched until Swing House at Junky. As we lined up, voters kept passing us with big bright smiles on their faces, beaming with pride and hoping that the people they had voted for would emerge victorious.

My father and I lined up for what felt like forever, it was exhausting. When the queue was finally within the school, the line was snaking past the lavatories. It being a public school, the stench emanating from the toilets was unbearable. I honestly just wanted to give up and go to the car hoping that my father’s vote will count for the both of us.

But I soldiered on, having given up on holding my breath, and inhaling the ammonia like fumes, knowing that this suffering would somehow be worth it as I embarked on what I deemed as a huge milestone in my young life.

When I finally got to the voting booth, I remember randomly selecting my councillor since I had no idea who the candidates were. My choice for Member of Parliament was based on change, and my choice for President was based on choosing the lesser evil that I knew rather than the one I did not know.

I left the polling station already feeling victorious because I had played a part in a historic event that had occurred in my country.

The results start trickling in, with various disparities and that was the beginning of the end. One dramatic press conference and a hurried inauguration later, and pap, we have a new president and violence sparks across the country like wild fire.

Lucky for us suburbia was very peaceful, but chaos erupted in various parts of Nairobi and the rest of the country. That was the one time I was glued to the news, hoping not to miss a minute of the action.

During that period, all I felt was fear, shock, horror, disappointment, and gratefulness. I was not in a healthy state of mind, no wonder that was the day I started dating my ex, go figure :p

The entire country was in turmoil and anguish, it was truly a horrible time for Kenya. People forgot they were Kenyans first, and the member of a particular tribe second. Blood was shed, lives were lost, property was destroyed and people lost their homes and their livelihood.

Personally, I felt like my vote did not count. The people I voted for were either not elected or were accused of rigging. It became evident that those in power will do everything they can not to relinquish that power and make things work in their favour. Standing next to a stinking toilet for almost more than an hour had proved to be futile and a freaking waste of my time.

I actually vowed never to vote again. Right now I have no idea whether I will still stick to that vow or not. But my plan is/was to start a travel fund to be out of Kenya in December 2012. The balance is currently Kshs. 0.

I did not participate in voting for the new constitution. I made no effort to even get registered, but I did attempt to read some parts of the proposed new constitution. I had none of that hope and pride that people had when they got registered, and eventually voted, waving their purple pinky swag with pride. I viewed the whole process as a waste of time because like I said previously, those in power will manipulate their results in their favour, just like the 2007 elections.

Turns out I was wrong, people voted peacefully, and the new constitution was implemented. This gave me some hope that our election process is not completely flawed. It is the reason why I am now rethinking my vow.

I have not really decided if I will vote come 2012. The strongest reason that would compel me to do it is if someone I know was vying for a seat. Yes, feel free to insert your judgement here!

Otherwise, going by the by-elections that have taken place this year, the leaders who are openly corrupt and stupid will always be voted back in.

Fresh new faces will most probably vie for seats because they also want a piece of that seemingly delicious cake that our MPs have been greedily feasting on.

The people who honestly want change are very few, and it is difficult to judge whether they are being sincere or not.

Impunity prevails in our country and parliament keeps making terrible and selfish decisions without taking the common mwananchi into consideration.

These factors compel me to stay true to my vow. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, KPLC Kenya Power and Lighting Company has switched it off.

2012 is still very far away, the world might end, I may fly off to the Maldives Islands or I may even decide to vote. We will never know till we get there…

Forever pessimistic


photo credit

I keep getting my hopes up, then they get crushed. Last week I saw the chance of ceasing a new opportunity, and I decided to go into it with some hope but not too high. Just found out that I did not get it, and though my future looks very bleek in my opinion, I am not breaking down and crying as would have happened if I had invested a lot of hope in it.

I do not know whether I jinxed it by not having enough faith in myself and in the situation, or whether my ply to fool the universe backfired in my face dont be enthusiastic and you might get what you want

I really do not like the current situation I am in. I am at a slump, no way to get ahead, and constantly demotivated.  Everyday I am constantly reminded of the opportunities I have not been given, and to be honest it is really taking a toll on me. I do not know what to do.

I’m beginning to think that if opportunity ever does knock, it’ll be because it has to use my bathroom.

I really need to catch a break, because my spirit is shattering into pieces, and I wonder if they can ever be put back together 😦

Hope is no longer a word in my vocabulary, clearly it is not in my best interest to have such sentiments, it is bad for my health and my Psychy is that how it’s spelt??

So as you read this, yes pity me, and have some hope on my behalf, since I cannot afford to have any for myself.

From the hopeless girl,

xxx V xxx

Somali islamists whip women for wearing bras

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I caught a glimpse of this headline on the paper on Saturday and I was outraged!!! what the fuck?!!! Bras violate Islam by constituting a deception??!!! This Somali insurgent group need to be whipped and stoned or whatever!! what kind of neanderthal thinking is that? Then they command any woman they meet with firm breasts to take off their bras and shake their breasts aaargghh thinking about it just makes me so mad!
This is just a classic example of womens rights abuse, and degradation which just makes me sick.
Bras are an item of clothing used to cover, provide support, and yes lift the breasts. They restrain the breasts and minimize their movement during vigorous activities like running or exercise. Some women may use this functionality to give the illusion of firm perkiness, but for other women with full breasts, it is an essential functionality used to preventing drooping and to provide comfort.
Men will never understand how essential this item of clothing is to us women. Breasts hurt when there is vigorous movement involved, and there is lack of support. For some women with larger cup sizes, they even suffer from other conditions like back pain as a result of lack of proper support for their breasts. They may even resort to drastic measures like breast reduction just to make life easier. Case in point Queen Latifah.

These Somali Islamists bustards! are not only denying these women their rights, but they are also subjecting them to unnecessary pain.
Personally, sometimes I wish I could do without bras, they are uncomfortable, restrictive and sometimes they hurt like bras with underwires but the alternative is far much worse. So even with the threat of being whipped, I would rather wear them anytime.
Yes sometimes we may use them to get that extra lift, cleavage or extra cup but it is our bodies so we should be able to do whatever we want with them. whatever makes us feel good right ladies?
I feel like I am not articulating my point well enough, I really wish I could spike the drinks of those Islamist with Hormones the ones men take to grow boobs so that they can experience what having breasteses feels like, then we will see whether wearing bras deserves a whipping nkt!!