Hope doesn’t live here no more


I have just gotten home from the Aga Khan, where I had gone to donate blood for my cousin who is currently in the HDU after having surgery today. He seems to be ok, even if he needed a blood transfusion.

The last time I donated blood (which was actually my first time), it wasn’t the best of experiences. They had trouble finding my veins and i could barely fill an entire bag of blood.

Today i decided to ignore my general displeasure at the thought of going through that again and drove to hospital with the sole mission of conquering my ‘fear’ and doing whatever i could to help my cousin.

I was also strongly driven by the fact that I am deathly terrified that he may not pull through and i would not be able to handle it if i didnt do everything i could to help him during his time of need.

This is what life has come to, living each moment with everybody as if it may be their last. My actions have become 90% based on the fact that the people i am interacting with may die at any moment.

I am savouring every moment i spend with people, while at the same time trying to document that moment by taking a picture or video so that it can be immortalised forever.

My friend Juliana passed away a few weeks ago, and it still does not seem real to me.

I have been trying to find time and strength to talk about this on here, and this seems like the best time.

Julie was like a breath of fresh air. You couldnt walk into a room and not notice her big gorgeous smile, bubbly voice and her unique sense of style.

She was such a beautiful soul, if i knew I would never get a chance to bask in her awesomeness again, I would have found a way to bottle it and keep it somewhere i could revel in it forever.

Everyday i have those moments that i realise that she is gone forever. I dig through my memory to remember her laugh, and what her voice sounds like. I look at the pictures we took together and wish i could travel back into time.

Of course I have lots of ‘what ifs’ and ‘shoulda, woulda, couldas’.

Anyway, writing this is just too hard so maybe next time i will be strong enough to say everything i wanna say about my  dear friend Cooxie.

I am really tired of crying, and honestly my heart cant handle any more breaks as it is.

 

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5 thoughts on “Hope doesn’t live here no more

  1. It’s really hard getting over the death of people close to us.. and we probably never will.. we just fall back on the routines of our lives and with time we’re able to move on and live our lives while always appreciating those around us. So sorry for your loss. Your cousin will pull through!

    • Thanks Savvy, i think that is the worst part, that we have to learn to live without them, and life just moves on as if their absence isnt a big deal :-/

  2. How’s your cousin fairing? Hope he’s much better now and out of any danger. Silent prayer for him.

    Sorry about Cooxie, I think it’s still hasn’t dawned on me yet because of how silently it was handled. But I guess that’s the way of life. I won’t lie, I also fear death, especially of my loved ones because I can’t think of life without them. And I pray for their safety and protection like every other day, it’s ridiculous and childish but I believe it helps.

    Life has a way of dealing us, it’s just crazy. So we just live in this moment.

    Smile love 🙂
    Hugs and Kisses.

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