My next featured blogger is a very witty, funny, sweet and talented guy. Nothing like the loser he portrays himself to be, so do not fall for all his tweets, though you should follow him @Dee_spicable . I think it must take a lot of energy and brain power to come up with so many original jokes in a society where plagiarism is the order of the day.
He needs to explain why he likes portraying himself as a pedo bear though, and why he is so in love with unicorns. Is it due to the major dry spell he claims to be in? Or is this his way of trying to make us like him? Because I think it really works in his favour 😉
If you want to know just how brilliant this man is, check out his blog
which he needs to update more I am suburbia and get a glimpse of how good a writer he is.
Take it away Dee…
Hey everyone, so right off the bat you should know that being invited to do a guess post on @Nkirdizzle ‘s blog is one of the biggest honours I’ve ever had, and even though I have a prostate the size of the Nyayo Stadium roundabout I’m not afraid to admit that this girl gives me life threatening heart boners because of her awesomeness. Thanks, doll.
How to be a loser in 2012: My New Year’s Devolutions
So 2011 has finally come off its period and almost everybody (with the exception of Amy Winehouse, Osama, Gaddafi, Tupac etc) is looking forward to a glorious 2012. And what better way to do this than by making up a list of New Year resolutions in our hopes that we will stop all being complete diarrhoea dispensers and try to make the most of our rather pointless and pathetic lives. Because I’m a bandwagon jumping trendy faggot, I’ll gladly join in this massive multi-hit combo of fuckery, by giving you a step by step program on how to make it as a LOSER in 2012- Because I’m sure being good looking and likeable in 2011 didn’t work out for you as much as you hoped.
STEP 1: DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE
Seems confounding, doesn’t it? But trust me; this is in no way contradictory. If you take a look back in time, most of the ‘coolest’ people favoured by life are absolutely raging try hard whores who, through a series of ridiculously inexplicable and implausible events, turned out to be adored by a generation of people who have their heads stuck up so far up their ass they can’t tell the difference between a headache and a stomach-ache.
Yes kids, I’m talking about the cool kids club- the popular clique, the jocks and the divas, the famesluts and the manwhores. I’d like to challenge you to think about your social circle right about now- Who stands out the most and are well known in the clubs and bars and social spheres? That’s right; it’s the dickheads who act like the sun revolves around their pretty little assholes, who treat people with such impunity it makes dictatorial governments blush. If you want to be a real loser in 2012, you need to really stand out by being a genuinely nice person. Being a nice person will never really make you popular, you’ll never get the kind of girls (or guys) you think you deserve and definitely will NOT get you laid. Trust me on the last bit. Nice guys don’t finish last; they run an entirely different race.
STEP 2: DON’T CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNERS
We live in a point of time where infidelity is more commonplace than having a smokie-chapati combo for lunch in a public university. What was often referred to as ‘Sinning’ has been magically transformed (with all thanks to social media) to ‘Winning’. Hardly a day goes by without you hearing about some famous soccer player, politician, socialite, Old Testament prophet (citation needed) playing lawn tennis with his or her privates. Seems like everyone’s got their shit super-pumped up about fucking everyone except the people they actually claim to care about.
I bet you can think of at least 5 people close to you who are in some sort of affair right about now, can’t you? And how does life punish them for their indiscretions? By elevating them to the top of the social ladder, that’s how. So if you really want to be an assburger in the year 2012, remain faithful. It’s so unheard of nowadays it’s virtually become hipster. Everyone will be like, “Ugh, I can’t believe you don’t cheat on your boyfriend/girlfriend. What are you, some sort of android tablet or something?’’ The jocks, in particular, have gone from a party of proud public school boys and closet gays to a party of proud homosexuals and closet public school boys
STEP 3: GIVE A FUCK.
The world seems obsessed with NOT giving a fuck. About anything. About everything. The number of times I want to tear my penis out through my asshole because someone said ‘I don’t give a fuck’ or ‘I have no fucks left to give’ is astounding. Nobody cares anymore. At least, nobody cool does. It’s like it officially makes you the biggest swinging dick in the room So break the mould in 2012 by being someone who isn’t afraid to care about things that matter to you, no matter how amazingly retarded they are. That’s a sure definite way to end up in the bottom 3 of the popularity list in any social circle, I assure you! People renowned in not giving a fuck in as few words as possible are the new social idols of modern society.
STEP 4: BE YOURSELF
There’s a famous quote that goes, ‘’be unique, because you are different…but don’t be different for the sake of being unique’’ I’m not sure who said it, but I’m pretty sure he was a douchebucket. But this is the penultimate step if you really want to be a loser in 2012. Just take a look at yourself. Chances are, you’re about as attractive as a pile of gym socks outside a Tuskys supermarket. What was that? You don’t listen to Trance, house, dubstep or hipster bands so underground that only the Loch ness monster has heard of them? Sorry pal, but your taste in music is regrettably tragic. Kindly go kill yourself.
Being yourself if possibly the single worst possible thing you can choose to be if you ever want to be popular.
Or sexy. (This is just me)
It’s a scientific fact. Being fake and pretentious are the buzzwords of the social butterfly: You probably don’t even like yourself, how do you expect someone else to like you? This is what the new age loser looks like. And this is why in 2012, in order to fight your way to the bottom of the popularity food chain, you’ll need to absolutely love the fucking shit out of yourself, and stay true to your values and principles. It’s harder than you can possibly imagine, folks.
So there you have it, a detailed description on how to be a loser in 2012. It seems like hard work, but with practice, I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it. And because I’m as sexually frustrated as a condom in a packet of birthday balloons, I leave you now with an awesome pic to inspire you to be all that you can be. A LOSER.