Confessions of a resistant single girl

I am sure you are all very aware of my current obsession with Rihanna. I love her latest songs, the fiery red hair, her tattoos, her nails, her style and her dance moves. I blame her for my current state, by instilling false expectations in my head with her music.

Oh na na na

It’s time to lay the cards out to not only myself, but to the world. This blog is after all known as revealed, which is quite the oxy moron since I speak in code and do not actually reveal much (that’s a post for another day). I AM A COWARD There, I said it!! Even mentioning those words made my heart beat faster. Now let us drill down what exactly it is I am afraid off. So I will just blurt it out now, I have self esteem issues. I am human, I am imperfect and I worry about whether I will find someone who will overlook my imperfections. I am afraid of getting hurt, of being vulnerable, of trusting someone with my whole being and having them betray that trust. I am scared of love, does it really exist?? Would i be able to recognize and acknowledge it?! I thought I was in love once, but that just turned out to be a sham! I am scared because I do not know how far I want to go. I do not want to change who I am because of a man. I would like to believe that I am one of those women who would not change, but let us just be realistic, people change to conform to what they think the person they desire would want them to be. Sadly I give a damn about what people think so I always take that into consideration whenever I meet someone. What will my family and friends think etc.. I also hate and avoid seeming desperate, pride is a very bad thing, but I think it is a great guard though it may make me loose out on some opportunities. Chick about town (who totally rocks, please click the link to check out her blog) told me about this great book called the surrendered single. I haven’t managed to buy a copy yet, but there is a free chapter here, and reading it was very enlightening. According to the book, I try to control so many aspects of my life like who approaches me, how the dates go, who my prospects are, rather than relinquishing that control and surrendering to whatever may happen. Denying that I would like to be in a relationship is apparently me inadvertently trying to control things, and is a depiction of my vulnerability. I try to protect myself with control. This made a lot of sense.

Vulnerability makes us approachable and attractive because it’s a gift to the person we’re with. It’s an unspoken compliment that says, “I trust you to be gentle when I put down my armor. I feel safe with you.” To appear perfect is to keep your defenses up, which means others can’t see and love the real you.

I do not like to appear perfect, but I do like to portray the fact that I am independent, I can do well on my own and that I do not need anyone. Clearly it is a defense mechanism that works against me. Sometimes I feel myself doing it, but I am usually too late to stop myself.

Strength is attractive, but hard-nosed independence sends a “get away” message to those who want to approach you.

A Surrendered Single is:

  • Open where she was guarded
  • Optimistic where she was cynical
  • Feminine where she was tough
  • Gracious where once fended for herself
  • Respectful where she used to feel superior

I would really like to give this whole surrendering thing a try. Apparently it will enable me to make well informed decisions based on my desires. So everybody knows I am like the anti marriage poster child. The whole getting married at 38 thing has always been a defense mechanism. Do I really want to share the rest of my life with one person?? It’s better if I jump the broom later after I have lived my life and stuff. The lifelong commitment part also scares me. I believe I am capable of being fully committed, I am just not sure some men are. So the book advocates for women to surrender to the desire to be married as it will lead to changes both on the inside and the outside. The thought of surrendering to that desire is terrifying to be honest. But let me give myself time to wrap my head around the idea. This past weekend I sated a certain craving I had on Friday 😉 with someone I have known for very many years. The whole thing was confusing yet exciting at the same time. I have no idea what happens next now that the friend zone line was crossed. I am still trying to figure out what it is that I want. Hopefully this whole surrendering theory will help me out with this whole situation.


17 thoughts on “Confessions of a resistant single girl

  1. Tee hee, Nkirdizzle. I just happened to be on your blog reading this post because I found the title interesting, when suddenly, I saw your mention of my blog. Shock on me! Thanks for the mention.

    On a more substantial level, no matter how many times I read the book and practice surrendering, I too struggle with the “surrender to the desire to be married” part. Luckily, the author offers an alternative, which is to surrender to the desire to share your life with someone. That works perfectly for me!

    Just sharing,

    • Your welcome 🙂
      After I wrote this post I kept hearing a bunch of horror stories which kinda scared me but I think I will take your approach and desire to share my life with someone.
      Thanks for sharing!

  2. I think in this generation, many of us, both men and women, are disillusioned. It’s not like the days of our parents where marriage was such a simple affair. These days there is so much more, like independent women, wimpy men, etc etc.
    Aaaaaanyway, I’m fixated on the part where you sated a craving….hmmmmmmmmm
    Can’t wait for an update 😉

    • Today my mother was asking me what is wrong with men and women of our generation 🙂
      So far, no update which is kind of a relief..

  3. Whoop whoop! So you satisfied the friday crave…hehe I shall not ask any further questions until we meet 🙂
    As for the surrendering … I think at one point or another when one is mentaly ready, it just happens. Don’t think so much about it, when you do that’s when it all seems bleak and unachievable.
    I’m not perfect either, and I never intend to be…i’m so human it even sucks…lol and I bet you know so.
    All the best in all this, relationships are just one thing that cannot be deciphered…lol

    • Ha ha ha i guess wishes sometimes do come true, but now i’m wary about what to crave for in case I actually get it 🙂
      I’m an overthinker, that may be a tad bit difficult O.o
      I guess we should all just be human and proud..

  4. Its weird to think that even in our attempt to protect ourselves we are saying something…. The horror stories also got me but I guess for every good story there is a bad one and the ones with good stories are too busy loving each other to tell everyone how happy they are (thats my justification at least) 🙂

    • I am so feeling your justification, and if it’s true, maybe they do not want to share the secret to their happy lives lol #ikid
      But anyway I believe everyone has had their ups and downs so we all have our stories to tell.

  5. ooh all the best with surrendering its seems like such a difficult thing to do
    i think i need to read that free chapter hopefully will help in getting there..
    as u said no one is perfect but i like to think as @kawi said if we don’t think about it life will sort itself out bt its easier said than done o_O

  6. I so feel you on this, that is what we do build walls higher and higher. Kwanza that about the desire to get married, I am so anti-marriage but deep down I know I wanna but my pride just wnt let me accept it. I wanna be perfect, unbreakable super girl who does not care about the male human species which is impossible..I need that book too!

  7. I have enjoyed reading this piece, so MUCH. My advice, keep trying till you can hack it. I am not there yet, but I know I have allowed somebody into my life, and I am giving a 100%. If it fails (and I doubt it will-atleast I have faith) I will know I tried. Yaay for sating your craving.

    • I am glad you enjoyed it 🙂
      I give you props for giving it your all, and i am sure your efforts will no be in vain, things will definitely keep working well for you guys.
      Right now, I have no one to try it with, i blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol for that sated craving, that story is dead, until the next time I bump into the other party then I will know what the situation is.

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