I am sure you are all very aware of my current obsession with Rihanna. I love her latest songs, the fiery red hair, her tattoos, her nails, her style and her dance moves. I blame her for my current state, by instilling false expectations in my head with her music.
It’s time to lay the cards out to not only myself, but to the world. This blog is after all known as revealed, which is quite the oxy moron since I speak in code and do not actually reveal much (that’s a post for another day). I AM A COWARD There, I said it!! Even mentioning those words made my heart beat faster. Now let us drill down what exactly it is I am afraid off. So I will just blurt it out now, I have self esteem issues. I am human, I am imperfect and I worry about whether I will find someone who will overlook my imperfections. I am afraid of getting hurt, of being vulnerable, of trusting someone with my whole being and having them betray that trust. I am scared of love, does it really exist?? Would i be able to recognize and acknowledge it?! I thought I was in love once, but that just turned out to be a sham! I am scared because I do not know how far I want to go. I do not want to change who I am because of a man. I would like to believe that I am one of those women who would not change, but let us just be realistic, people change to conform to what they think the person they desire would want them to be. Sadly I give a damn about what people think so I always take that into consideration whenever I meet someone. What will my family and friends think etc.. I also hate and avoid seeming desperate, pride is a very bad thing, but I think it is a great guard though it may make me loose out on some opportunities. Chick about town (who totally rocks, please click the link to check out her blog) told me about this great book called the surrendered single. I haven’t managed to buy a copy yet, but there is a free chapter here, and reading it was very enlightening. According to the book, I try to control so many aspects of my life like who approaches me, how the dates go, who my prospects are, rather than relinquishing that control and surrendering to whatever may happen. Denying that I would like to be in a relationship is apparently me inadvertently trying to control things, and is a depiction of my vulnerability. I try to protect myself with control. This made a lot of sense.
Vulnerability makes us approachable and attractive because it’s a gift to the person we’re with. It’s an unspoken compliment that says, “I trust you to be gentle when I put down my armor. I feel safe with you.” To appear perfect is to keep your defenses up, which means others can’t see and love the real you.
I do not like to appear perfect, but I do like to portray the fact that I am independent, I can do well on my own and that I do not need anyone. Clearly it is a defense mechanism that works against me. Sometimes I feel myself doing it, but I am usually too late to stop myself.
Strength is attractive, but hard-nosed independence sends a “get away” message to those who want to approach you.
A Surrendered Single is:
- Open where she was guarded
- Optimistic where she was cynical
- Feminine where she was tough
- Gracious where once fended for herself
- Respectful where she used to feel superior
I would really like to give this whole surrendering thing a try. Apparently it will enable me to make well informed decisions based on my desires. So everybody knows I am like the anti marriage poster child. The whole getting married at 38 thing has always been a defense mechanism. Do I really want to share the rest of my life with one person?? It’s better if I jump the broom later after I have lived my life and stuff. The lifelong commitment part also scares me. I believe I am capable of being fully committed, I am just not sure some men are. So the book advocates for women to surrender to the desire to be married as it will lead to changes both on the inside and the outside. The thought of surrendering to that desire is terrifying to be honest. But let me give myself time to wrap my head around the idea. This past weekend I sated a certain craving I had on Friday 😉 with someone I have known for very many years. The whole thing was confusing yet exciting at the same time. I have no idea what happens next now that the friend zone line was crossed. I am still trying to figure out what it is that I want. Hopefully this whole surrendering theory will help me out with this whole situation.