Define Love (10 marks)

Introducing my first ever guest post ¤woop woop¤ written by my secret admirer, also known as @disaster103 on twitter follow him you may have seen his comments in some of my old posts. It took a lot of coercion, and many threats 🙂 but he delivered.

Disclaimer: The views below are his and his alone, feel free to throw stones at him if you disagree with his opinions. i must absolve myself from any liabilities 🙂




The author of this here lovely and glittery blog, a lovely lady by the name of Nkirdizzle who I have never met was sitting in her office while going through her morning stack of work (she works as the office eye candy somewhere in Nairobi.

Eye Candy

…to be fair she does some office work but that’s listed under hobbies in her CV) and decided she was pissed about seeing my bumming tweets and asked me to do a post…wrong move Nkirdizzle.

Anywaaaaaaay I was thinking about what to write about and it finally ended up at either taking one of flipper bird’s former posts and adding a male twist to them using nothing but luminous red highlighters and some sticky notes but decided that’s too run of the mill and decided to be all original and do something innovative like and….wait for it….write a fresh new post!!! Yes feel free to take that off of the Guinness book of World spontaneity coz I done did it.

Ok two things (1)Am wasting time because I have no idea what to write about (2)If you didn’t sniff a hint of sarcasm up there….get a huge mug of coffee…seriously, for health reasons…mental health reasons.

So this blog focuses on love, celebrities, and declarations of how cool Fridays are…I love my mum, which takes care of the love part. (………) that takes care of the celebrities part so, Friday.

Maybe i’ll try the love category because Nkirdizzle thinks am pulling her leg when I say I don’t do love (honey when I pull your leg…you’ll know).

Love n. A deep ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude towards a person (or for white women and Oprah…really small dogs) such as arising from kinship, recognition of underlying qualities or a sense of oneness….

The above description is from … ok now am pissed and suddenly this is going to be a long post. That description is either written by a) Martians b) Mexicans or d)Moon-ians just basically not anyone from earth( Mexicans aren’t from Earth…or don’t belong here anyway….we need soap operas as much as we need Global Warming right now) my point is, that definition is so so wrong thus this post will be about rewriting the definition of love.

So my first face-off with this mystery called love was in class 5, for those of you who didn’t do the 8-4-4 system of mis-education that’s like…..long ago. Her name was either Anne or Esther  and I had been watching this stupid love flick with this other girl who is my neighbor and decided that i’ll try this love thing so during beak time on some random Monday (Monday!! Smh) I told this pretty girl that I loved her. Let me play the scene out for you…she used to sit in the seat in front of mine so when I told her that I love her she was leaning  back, we froze like that for about ten minutes(seven seconds) then she got up and walked out of the classroom…now if I remembered what movie it is that I saw the love stuff I  would tell you so you appreciate this scene better but in that movie the girl ran into the ladies room, cried herself a river and then came out and then told the guy she loves him. So am sitting here waiting on this girl to come out and proclaim her love for me and in walks….the principal with a mammoth  ass whooping hot on his heels

…and an opportunity to have the class make fun of me for the next four months till I became prefect and got control of the awesome ‘kneel down’ powers…

From then on it was smooth sailing till…..last December( I still associate love with ass whooping by authority figures so I had to wait till I was bigger than all of the authority figures in my life) the second one was way messier than my first five minute love affair..nuff said.

Having ascertained that I suck at love nini nini I’ll tell you why I have beef with’s definition…nay…description of love. If you ask a Kenyan mama what her ideal man is like the answer will range around this:

Kenyan girl 1: rich, tall, dark and handsome

Kenyan girl 2: light skinned, long hair, foreign accent, short and rich

Kenyan girl 3: smart, polite, romantic, rich, can cook





Kenyan girl 1887: cute eyes, can hold a conversation, rich, recites love poems for her when she is having her periods(wretch)

Etcetera etcetera

So basically there’s a trend over there…, not the fact that all female types in Kenya go by the title “Kenyan girl(insert number)”.

The formula for building up the perfect description of a dream guy for a Kenyan mama is something like this: something about the height, something about the skin color, rich, extra slot for something about breathe/eye color/finger nail length/*cough cough* length/(singing/cooking/manicure/pedicure) ability etcetera etcetera

So it is only logical to assume that the description of love will factor in the above stated formula(btw this is so my term paper in logic, am nailing his proper/deductive thinking like no one’s business). And now having given sufficient premises and guided you towards the inevitable inference because let’s face it, you’re kinda slow, we will together come up with a conclusion that will, I kid you not, be put forward to challenge the existing layman definitions  of love…so here goes

Love n. a feeling of attraction between a girl(or a gay guy[see how un/non homophobic I am]) towards a rich person stemming from the fact that the rich person is rich and…possesses at least two other non-essential qualities.

Ok maybe the wording isn’t all that but in the end it’s one party with less money, attracted to another party with more money.

Let’s face it  deep down we all know this is true except for Mexicans who fall in love with stable girls/boys in a span of + or – ninety 42 minute episodes.

So having done my duty it’s someone else’s job to contact and deal with the rest coz currently am bila an email account having been locked out of mine (I feel homeless/orphaned/naked/underfed….ok the underfed part is a different thingy altogether but…)

So the moral of the story you ask? In Abdulahi’s words, ‘money talks, bullshit (and Mexican romance) walks’

So we work, get rich and get married, get kids, avoid divorces…and that dear readers is all the love there is in the world…that’s the dream, like what martin Luther King jr. was talking about.

14 thoughts on “Define Love (10 marks)

  1. I am no superior authority when it comes to matters of love, in fact i think the only part I agree with you is that the only love that exists is parental love and sometimes filial love (which I do not experience being an only child and what not) and maybe extended family love or whatever its called.
    I never knew there are women who actually look for short men lol that’s definitely a new one.
    My 2 cents is, although money and the riches is top amongst many people’s eligibility lists, they are not really looking for love but more of sponsorship. Everyone thinks if they have money they can live comfortably.
    And not every single person is looking for someone rich,so I do not agree with your definition of love.

    • Money and riches may not be THE topmost thingy thing on most girls list but money is the thing that makes ladies notice a guy……take it like this….money is to man what D cups/appealing butt/curvy hips are to women….money is a man’s butt, that’s what triggers that first stare…without which you don’t stand a chance

      • Ok fine, i’ll speak for myself, yes i will notice you if you have money. But rich men are intimidating and they make me feel uncomfortable, like they think they can buy me with their money bleh!! Maybe they can, i do not know, I am yet to discover..
        I have to ask this question, which girl is this that left you for a rich man??

  2. first of all…this post kills!!!love it love it love it!! the sarcasm, humor nininini is amazing!! 🙂 that said you will be receiving a request to guest post soon 🙂

    now, I do agree money is a factor in love..ok, not love but relationship..but reducing all ladies….all 1887 of us to describing our ideal men by saying rich is a bit unfair (note I didn’t say untrue)We could argue on this for ages so I will leave you to your perception and hope one day a girl takes you back to class five and comes back into class..alone..declaring her love back 🙂

    signed, hopeless romantic 🙂

    again, you really should start a are really good at this writing thing!!

    • First thanks a whole lot for the mob love.
      Another request for a guest post? I dunno, I doubt you are as good at coercion/threats and incentives as @Nkirdizzle is but you’re welcome to try 🙂

      And 1887 ladies is the number of women I had to walk up to the street to ask that question for research…lemme not start on the lawsuit has hanging over my head for this one post

      And yeah am guessing if I magically teleported back to class 5..I would shut my mouth up!!!

  3. yea. i agree with suetiful you should start a blog ma-dea!!

    lovely lovely love post 😀

    i believe love is what you feel. not what you see. sadly, a lot of what we feel is influenced by what we see 😦 sigh!!

  4. I don’t do love either but i love this guy! Ati 1887 chick->poetry during her periods?worrathoz!haha_ ati white women n oprah? Apparently mariah carey is black! Shz alwez on BET!
    Anywho so if i’m a rich mama i’ll never find love coz i’ve gt my own cash??

    • If you are a rich mama it’s more likely you will be a sugar mum or a cougar type one. this is just the inverse version of the normal relationship but it’s the same deal, person with less money in ‘love’ with person with more money

      • So between the poor person and the rich person, who loves the other more? does it mean rich people are also attracted to poor people??

  5. OK now you’ve timam lost me…the research wasn’t that extensive 🙂 plus I have the lowest experience level when it comes to love and am not looking to up that experience btw…am guessing rich person is on a take take mission while giving very little but poor person is ready to give a lot(in terms of emotion nini nini)…

  6. Pingback: 11th guest post for Christmas: Disaster103 | Revealed

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