Butterflies in my tum tum

We learn something new from every single person that we have the pleasure or displeasure of interacting with. We get to know more about the other person, plus we get some insights about our own personalities from them.

Same thing goes for relationships, we learn a lot about ourselves from our interactions with members of the opposite sex, especially from failed relationships. There is a reason those relationships failed, and you partly or wholly contributed to it. It is up to you to learn from it, and use that information to grow into someone better.

Having never succeeded in any relationship forever alone lol  , I try my best to make sure I do not repeat my past mistakes. Sometime’s it is hard because I have to keep reminding myself what was wrong with my previous relationships so as to make sure I do not relive those moments again.

It is especially hard to remember those things when I meet someone new, and I am overwhelmed by excitement and a whole bunch of nerves. Thank God for this blog, because I can refer to it and refresh my memory. One thing’s for sure, I am ready to make it right..

They say that first impressions are very important, so naturally everyone wants to be nothing short of impressive. It takes a lot of work to make a lasting impression, be it in how you look or how you behave. Most of the time I am sure you will not be your usual self, but you will act in a manner which you believe the other party will find to be impressive. In the end, we all want to be liked.

So here I am, growing a bundle of nerves because I am about to meet someone new. It must be a whole lot easier just hooking up with a friend, who already knows all your faults and weaknesses, and accepts you for who you are. But nothing in life comes easy, in fact it is way more exciting when you do not know what is in store for you.

I leave you with this..

 

Me and Mr Wrong get along so good…

I am not really a fan of Mary J Blige, but this is one of her best records in my opinion, simply because so many of us, both men and women can relate to this song. It was written by critically acclaimed producer and song writer Rico Love, who had this to say about the record:

It is an extremely soulful song that expresses the true level of love that a woman can have for a man who is simply no good for her. I wrote it because in many ways I am Mr Wrong.

I know for sure if you are a girl reading this, you are busy yearning for a man who is so not good for you in one way or another.

Meanwhile whilst you are wasting your time chasing after the punks, chances are there is a good guy somewhere dying to get your attention.

I still think nice guys are overrated, they are just bad boys who have not been discovered  (Speaking from experience). I do believe that there are honest good guys out there, but maybe they need to revamp their techniques because most of them are tres boring.

Maybe us women are genetically made not to respond to people who actually are there for you and show you they care, and instead waste time and energy chasing after men who do not call, who just want one thing and vamoos once they get it.

I have had my long string of Mr Wrongs, some are exciting but totally dangerous and wrong for me, others are unavailable but they still think they can waste my time. Why is it that they are the ones with bodies to die for, interesting conversation and fun kinda guys? Notice I did not say hot, I do not know what is going on, but let us just say I got over my superficialness.

I do not even have a Mr Right to settle for or give a chance. But I am glad I have reached a place where I am wise enough to be happy where I am, without Mr Right or Wrong.

I love someecards!!!!

But maybe I should put it out there, that I will give a chance to whoever ‘believe’s’ they are Mr Right :) Or I can have fun with the Mr Wrongs? Only boredom would make me take that route. Now to find ways to entertain myself…

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In other news, the final episode of Shuga is out. I hated on Nick last time, but I must admit he is a prolific actor. I really wish they would have properly concluded the Femi, Dala, Miss B and Leo love square situation. But otherwise, it was a great series, and I really hope there will be Shuga 3.

Shuga: Love, Sex, Money – Episode 6 from mtv staying alive on Vimeo.

Asta la vista babies,

Watching The Bachelor can teach you things!!

I say this without any shame, I love watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette TV Shows. *Insert judgment here, I do not care*

This guy's body was the truth!

The producers of this show do a spectacular job of recruiting a bevy of beauties and brawn. It is always entertaining drooling at the hot men, admiring and hating on the beautiful women.

The contestants are shipped off to various exotic locations, places we all know we may never get to visit. They get to embark in all sorts of adrenaline inducing adventures, and extremely romantic dates.

I really love the drama that goes down, a house filled with many men and women will never lack this. The things people will do in pursuit of love or fame are quite ridiculous, but you need wit when it comes to the game of love.

This may be referred to as ‘Reality TV’ but there is nothing realistic about the happenings on these shows. But you can learn a thing or two from these shows.

So imagine if we pursued love as if we were contestants on The Bachelor/Bachelorette?

You have just one chance to create a spectacular first impression in order for him/her to be intrigued by you before they move onto the next one.  They will be so consumed by you that they will barely pay attention to the next person.

If you met the apple of your eye, let us call them AOYE, and you are amongst many people like for example at a party, concert, in church or at a wedding. Places where there are so many other people trying to grab AOYE’s attention, and you have to do something dynamic and shine for them to know you exist and that you are interested.

Maintain eye contact and hold their gaze, make sure you stand out in whatever it is you are doing. Engage in conversation with AOYE and even draw them out to have a private conversation and give them a glimpse of who you really are. This will let AOYE know for sure that you are interested, and hopefully it will not seem like you are coming off too strong.

The contestants of these shows are forced to open up very fast seeing that they are competing with a whole bunch of other people and fighting for someone’s affections within a short period of time.  Maybe you should try opening up and being honest about your intentions with AOYE. Men and women today engage in a lot of mind games which is not only tasking but a complete waste of time. No one is willing to say how they truly feel, so they hint at it hoping the other person will get a clue. Eventually these games take you nowhere. Maybe opening up and being honest may work in your favor. Being blunt really throws people off.

There is the whole concept of the fantasy suite, I do not know whether I would advocate for you to spend the night with the AOYE after a few dates. I guess it depends on your beliefs, your needs and what exactly it is that you are searching for.

I also do not advocate getting engaged after like 2 months or a few dates, there is no hurry in real life, and no one to buy you a sparkly diamond engagement ring.

During courtship, if things do not seem like they will progress into a relationship, most of the time communication just dies down and either one of the parties are left clueless, wondering what went wrong.  First up people need to grow up and just say what is on their minds, if you came across a deal breaker, let the person know. This may help them grow and improve for the next person. (I should take my own advice smh).

The show has this episode where all the contestants are reunited with The Bachelor / Bachelorette and they get to discuss what happened during the show. We can apply this in real life by actually giving people a chance to air out what they feel and for you to be honest about your actions and feelings.

So after reading this hopefully you will give these shows a second chance, if not for entertainment, then maybe to learn a thing or two :)

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OMG this lady is a contestant in Season 16! I am beyond amazed.

via tv.com

I also think they need to give Black people a serious chance, the contestants are never given roses, and all the bachelors and bachelorettes have always been Caucasians  which is so racist!!

But otherwise, watch it :)

Out of sight, out of mind

I heard this song for the first time on Monday and I loved it! I really dig the flash mob, Kelly Clarkson can really get down.

Yeah once again I have found myself at that place where it feels like Adele is singing what is in my heart, where all the lyrics all of a sudden seem audible as opposed to the usual blah blah blah. True Love Stories and The Notebook seem to tweet what I am feeling or what I need to hear. Aaarrghhh I cannot wait to get over this phase, it truly blows. I really did not wish to be here again, but I know it is just a passing cloud.

I am also very done with trying to close my unfinished business with certain characters. There is a reason why the deal has never been sealed. Instead of wondering what if, or waiting for a golden opportunity, I will just let that ish go. If anything was meant to happen it would have happened by now.

In other news, Robin Thicke!!!!!

This man can maintain it, free of charge!

Marry me Robin,

Chipsability Matrix

As I look at some of the choices I make and actions I partake in when it comes to men, I too wonder what the hell I was thinking! Some things are inexplicable, or some men just have mad game, I have no idea. This is my attempt to try figure out the reasons for my lack of better judgment, or opportunities that men take advantage of when it comes to women.

What makes women fall for advances from men?

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Women love and thrive on attention, especially from the opposite gender. Majority of the things women do is a ploy to get attention, be it the manner in which we dress, the way we style our hair, the way we walk, the way we talk etc etc.

Single women are really starved of attention so they will welcome it with open arms from whatever direction. Women who are spoken for, but for one reason or another their partner seems to be ignoring them, will also crave attention and will notice any man who seems interested in her, just to get a taste of what she has been missing.

Women, we are our own worst enemies. Women will brag about how wonderful their men are to their girl friends, by parading their men around, giving every little detail of their wonderful lives as a couple. When men trade stories of their conquests, they stick to the good stuff, it’s usually very basic, while women like to divulge every little intimate detail. There is a reason why we are so good at gossip. After hearing how magnificent man X is, there are some conniving women who would do whatever it takes to have him. If man X showed even a glimmer of interest, woman Y would jump into the box immediately!

There is also that phenomenon whereby human beings find themselves inclined to want what they cannot have. Forbidden fruit tastes sweetest.

On the same note, women will also be curious about men with reputations, be it about how well he performs, how he is endowed, or if he is known to be monogamous and is famed for treating women right. They say that there is always some truth to every rumor; women will want to discover if he really is the truth.

Sometimes it may just be curiosity of the unknown, discovery of fresh talent ;)

Flattery goes a long way. If your game is tight and you know just the right words to say, just the right way to caress, it may be lucky your lucky day. Wining, dining and various other forms of chivalry (which otherwise currently seem to be dead) definitely works in a man’s favor. Currently the most popular form of chivalry seems to be free drinks, which men are commonly offering women but still complaining about it. Though I wonder why when it seems to be working for them. Ladies do not accept offers to be bought for Smirnoff Black Ice, especially if they are bought in multiples.

A woman who feels unappreciated may decide to go look for a man who will, or if one comes knocking she may just open the door. I think women are very faithful and loyal, they do not cheat unless given a reason to, or they are searching for something they are lacking in their current relationships. We will cross the fence to get to the other side where the grass is greener.

Is there any woman out there who does not have self esteem issues?! No girl is satisfied with how they look and they are constantly working hard to do something about it like exercise, make up, clothes and various other measures. I think any woman will respond to a man who succeeds at stroking her ego and making her feel good about herself, beautiful, desirable, and wanted.

Women are weakest when they are vulnerable. They may submit to men who know how to spot this and take advantage of it.

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Loneliness is also a big factor. Nobody wants or likes to be alone, so people take any chance they get to interact with the opposite gender. This comes hand in hand with boredom. It’s always exciting meeting new people and interacting with them.

Women have very strong influences over each other; we value each others opinions and are constantly seeking approval from other women. If a guy gets the stamp of approval from your girls, then it’s all systems go, if not, that story is so dead.

In my opinion some men have mastered and perfected the art of the chase. They will pursue a woman regardless of whatever obstacles may come his way like his girlfriends, her boyfriends, resistance etc, with such vigour that despite the situation a woman just finds herself submitting to him.

Finally, women are just like other living creatures, we have needs that need to be fulfilled.

Irrelevant questions that need to die

Are you seeing anyone?

Are you in a relationship?

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend??

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These are the most irrelevant questions one can ask. I think they are irrelevant because most of the time, the response you will get will be a lie, or a fabrication of the truth. Even if you do give an honest response, it may not deter the intentions of the person who posed the question in the first place.

I know the question was precipitated by the need to discover what my current status is, and determine what strategy you will use to pursue me or find out if you stand a chance, and whether I am actually available and yours for the taking.

But I think if your game is tight, you will still pursue me regardless of what my situation is.  If I give in to your advances, then that should tell you the state of mind that I currently am in. If you really want me, then nothing should deter you from chasing after me, regardless of the fact that I am taken or available. Except of course if I tell you to stay the hell away from me and I want nothing to do with you.

To be honest, I suck at reading people, unless they are like an open book, I am really clueless in that area. But I believe someone can tell how someone else is responding to you while you interact with them.

If they are open to your flirtatious attempts, they will probably smile, flirt back, or encourage you to go ahead literally or by not stopping you. On the contrary, if they are not open to your advances, they will shoot your attempts down immediately be it subtly, politely or very sternly so that you do not even get it twisted. I know someone who has been in a relationship for a long time, and she does not give other men the time of day.

I think these reactions can be used to gauge whether someone is available or not.

This may not be a good depiction of their current relationship status, but at least it shows you stand a chance and that you may proceed with the pursuit… if you dare.

I met a guy this year who told me he was single, only to discover weeks later that he was in a serious relationship, with someone I knew! He went out of his way to make me believe he was single, that was the worst part. That experience definitely made me very wary about trusting people, and clearly it made the question in contention seem very meaningless and irrelevant.

I do not like being asked if I am single or not, I usually ask the person if it matters and if the response holds any water. I usually tell them that I am unavailable just to see what they will do with that piece of information. Most times that fact changes nothing and they continue pressing on. This makes me wonder why they asked me that question in the first place.

I am trying to think of witty retorts that I can use to respond to them, like ‘I am a swinger.’ Or ‘I am in an open relationship.’ I will definitely say things like I am bi or I swing for the other team just to see what their next move will be. Feel free to give me more suggestions..

 

Confessions of a resistant single girl

I am sure you are all very aware of my current obsession with Rihanna. I love her latest songs, the fiery red hair, her tattoos, her nails, her style and her dance moves. I blame her for my current state, by instilling false expectations in my head with her music.

Oh na na na

It’s time to lay the cards out to not only myself, but to the world. This blog is after all known as revealed, which is quite the oxy moron since I speak in code and do not actually reveal much (that’s a post for another day). I AM A COWARD There, I said it!! Even mentioning those words made my heart beat faster. Now let us drill down what exactly it is I am afraid off. So I will just blurt it out now, I have self esteem issues. I am human, I am imperfect and I worry about whether I will find someone who will overlook my imperfections. I am afraid of getting hurt, of being vulnerable, of trusting someone with my whole being and having them betray that trust. I am scared of love, does it really exist?? Would i be able to recognize and acknowledge it?! I thought I was in love once, but that just turned out to be a sham! I am scared because I do not know how far I want to go. I do not want to change who I am because of a man. I would like to believe that I am one of those women who would not change, but let us just be realistic, people change to conform to what they think the person they desire would want them to be. Sadly I give a damn about what people think so I always take that into consideration whenever I meet someone. What will my family and friends think etc.. I also hate and avoid seeming desperate, pride is a very bad thing, but I think it is a great guard though it may make me loose out on some opportunities. Chick about town (who totally rocks, please click the link to check out her blog) told me about this great book called the surrendered single. I haven’t managed to buy a copy yet, but there is a free chapter here, and reading it was very enlightening. According to the book, I try to control so many aspects of my life like who approaches me, how the dates go, who my prospects are, rather than relinquishing that control and surrendering to whatever may happen. Denying that I would like to be in a relationship is apparently me inadvertently trying to control things, and is a depiction of my vulnerability. I try to protect myself with control. This made a lot of sense.

Vulnerability makes us approachable and attractive because it’s a gift to the person we’re with. It’s an unspoken compliment that says, “I trust you to be gentle when I put down my armor. I feel safe with you.” To appear perfect is to keep your defenses up, which means others can’t see and love the real you.

I do not like to appear perfect, but I do like to portray the fact that I am independent, I can do well on my own and that I do not need anyone. Clearly it is a defense mechanism that works against me. Sometimes I feel myself doing it, but I am usually too late to stop myself.

Strength is attractive, but hard-nosed independence sends a “get away” message to those who want to approach you.

A Surrendered Single is:

  • Open where she was guarded
  • Optimistic where she was cynical
  • Feminine where she was tough
  • Gracious where once fended for herself
  • Respectful where she used to feel superior

I would really like to give this whole surrendering thing a try. Apparently it will enable me to make well informed decisions based on my desires. So everybody knows I am like the anti marriage poster child. The whole getting married at 38 thing has always been a defense mechanism. Do I really want to share the rest of my life with one person?? It’s better if I jump the broom later after I have lived my life and stuff. The lifelong commitment part also scares me. I believe I am capable of being fully committed, I am just not sure some men are. So the book advocates for women to surrender to the desire to be married as it will lead to changes both on the inside and the outside. The thought of surrendering to that desire is terrifying to be honest. But let me give myself time to wrap my head around the idea. This past weekend I sated a certain craving I had on Friday ;) with someone I have known for very many years. The whole thing was confusing yet exciting at the same time. I have no idea what happens next now that the friend zone line was crossed. I am still trying to figure out what it is that I want. Hopefully this whole surrendering theory will help me out with this whole situation.

Does the guy always have to be 1st?

That was the question he asked me after us not speaking for like 2 days.

There is nothing I hate more than coming off as a desperate, easy, woman, I would rather die. Call it a phobia or stupid pride, but it is just something that is intrinsically within me.

I can’t figure out where it originated from.

As a result, I am very evasive, my guard is always up, and I think I play some serious mind games, probably with myself.

Initiating communication makes me feel like I am being desperate, over zealous and most of all it makes me feel very vulnerable, a sensation I detest! The vulnerability emanates from the fact that being the one breaking the silence let’s the person know that they are lodged in my thoughts, which is something I would rather keep to myself.

This has been an issue that many men have brought up, and I always feel guilty when they do so I make a bit of an effort, then I revert back to my ways without even realising it.

FYI this only happens with guys I like or whom I think may be into me. With my friends, such nonsense doesn’t matter.

With guys who seem to like me, I find it safer not to initiate conversation, encouraging them may not be the best solution me thinks.

So please let me know your 2 cents on this issue by taking part in my survey, I am sure your answers will be of great use to not only myself but to others as well.

 

‘Above all else, guide your heart for it is the wellspring of life’ proverbs 4:23

I have glorified being single to get people off my back and let them know I am doing just fine, and to a point, to also convince myself that I am perfectly okay with being alone and that there is nothing that I am loosing out on.

Today my friend sent me this eBook which says that if women act like their perfectly happy being single, men will let them continue being that way. Men is that true?! It sounds like it is true. I go around trying to justify my singledom, little do I know I am actually pushing them away without knowing it.

Apparently women can nurture men towards marriage by making them realize how much they can gain from it and why they need it in their lives. Maybe I need to realize the benefits of marriage before I can convince someone to propose jump the gun.

Let me fess up, I am really afraid of marriage and that is why I am delaying it for as long as possible. Maybe it is because I do not really know what marriage entails. I view it as pingu za maisha, a life long commitment. I know I am capable of fulfilling my commitments, but it depends on to what extent. I am not going to entertain rubbish like cheating, or domestic violence, I will have none of that. As soon as that happens I would want out immediately. And that’s the thing, marriage is meant to be a permanent union, not something you can opt out of whenever you decide. Judging by the current divorce rate of our generation, probability of divorce has definitely gone up many notches, so that is why I would rather not venture into marriage unless I am absolutely sure and positive about it. But me being the over thinker that I am, the peace of mind I would desire to have concerning marriage may never be achieved so I’d rather prolong the day I choose to jump the broom.

According to the book, the purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner. I have sadly come to that age where this statement applies. Growing pains yuck. Even the concept of viewing dating in that light scares me. I still think I am far too young to start thinking about such things while I am reviewing prospects.

The book goes on to say that:

‘If you lack a vision of marriage, you’re setting yourself up for lax sexual standards, relationships without momentum and heartache.’

‘The hope of marriage is an antidote to promiscuity.’

The book goes on to say that if you believe in Christian marriage and are working towards it, it is easier to set physical boundaries and character expectations in dating. I have set physical boundaries for myself with nothing about marriage in my mind; I am the least bit promiscuous. But they may have a point about the relationships without momentum and heartache part…

The e-book is called ‘A girls guide to marrying well.’ It’s quite insightful, and it has been an eye opener yet it has just dumped me into a state of confusion in certain matters, but be that as it may it’s a book worth getting your hands on.

The way to a man’s heart is through TOP GEAR

Like every other girl, the first time I watched Top Gear, I did not like it much. I felt it was my cousin’s way of boring me to death while I was visiting at their house. Fighting with him was very futile because once he gets the remote, that’s the end, he will bore you to death with such shows, and more boring stuff from Discovery and National Geographic channels.

Last month I decided to give the show a serious chance since BBCE brings a Top Gear omnibus every Sunday. I am proud to say I have taken a shine to the show. It is not only entertaining, but informative for someone like me who just knows general car makes, but does not particularly pay attention to the model is it make and model?? I’m still confused about that :)

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My favorite host happens to be Jeremy Clarkson, who doesn’t love him?! He is funny, and quite knowledgeable about cars, he always wins the challenges during the few episodes that I have watched. For an old dude, he can definitely gerrit ;)

Then there is Richard Hammond the shortest host of the show, and the youngest I must add, who I like because he seems to be daring and into modern technology, plus he is also funny too.

James May Captain Slow is the long, curly-haired one who is set in his ways, and is always being picked on by Jeremy and Richard. He seems to be the most conservative of the three hosts, choosing to drive sensible cars for their functionality rather than their flashiness or hype. He usually emerges as the looser during most of their challenges.

Together the trio have made the show a tremendous success and I do believe they have one of the best jobs in the world! They get to test drive awesome cars, and travel, can it really get any better than that?!

Top Gear Team

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The first time I heard the word ‘The Stig’ I had no idea what or who that was. The only Stig I had ever heard of was Patrick Njiru’s the rally driver son who goes by Stig Njiru. I knew it could not possibly have anything to do with him because at the time it was all over the news that Micheal Schumacher was the stig. Anyway me and my inquisitive mind finally figured it out.

The Stig

Okay I did not completely figure it out, but he seems to be the dude who tests cars and stuff?? Gentlemen correct me if I am wrong?

So who is The Stig?

Some say he can swim seven lengths under water and he has webbed buttocks. All we know is, he’s called The Stig.

Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all of his legs are hydraulic… all we know is, he’s called the Stig.

Some say he’s the main cause of global warming and his stomach is reverse engineered to make the I-Phone. all we know is he’s called the stig.

Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire, he’d burn for a thousand days… all we know is, he’s called the Stig.

Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he’s called Cuddles.

Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish delight… all we know is, he’s called the Stig.

Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark… all we know is, he’s called the Stig.

click here and here for more dumb Stig Quotes :)

The Stig has been portrayed as a silent, anonymous and judging from the above quotes, possibly non human character of the show. People have always been kept guessing about who he is, but recently the man behind The Stig was revealed as formula three driver Ben Collins who’s he?

The blabber mouth is planning on releasing an autobiography called ‘The Man in the White Suit’ and the BBC has lost a legal fight to stop the publication of the book.

Click here to read the Top Gear TV boss Andy Wilman’s view of the whole situation.

Ladies, you will never find a man who is not crazy about cars. I suggest watching Top Gear, you will get schooled in that area, plus it is something you can watch and enjoy when your chilling with some guy somewhere.