Facebook – the best wingman you will ever have

That is according to Justin Hartfield the writer of  ‘ The complete guide to picking up girls on Facebook’, and ebook I randomly came across on the internet one day when I was bored.
Now this dude thinks the best place to meet ‘high quality’ women is on Facebook forget the bar. 
This revolutionary social network has made the art of picking up chicks way easier because:

nearly every girl you want to date is on Facebook, so the selections is practically unlimited.

most women love Facebook and check their profiles at least once a day hoping that guy of their dreams has sent them a charming private message (not a poke)

there’s little risk of hurt feelings because it’s much easier to deal with digital rejection via Facebook than it is in real life.

 on Facebook you have the ability to prescript your questions and answers so that you can get a girl in bed without the difficulties associated with being spontaneous, funny and attractive to a stranger in real life.

So here is what you need to do in order to score at least a date a week on FB:

• Get your Facebook profile right

 The goal of your profile is to not have anything that would potentially turn off the women your trying to get with. Your profile should highlight the best parts of your personality and minimize the worst. It should showcase the your most unique qualities.
Set your relationship status to ‘single’, and your ‘Looking for’ to ‘Friendship’. Include some humor in your ‘About me’ section. Do not least your phone number, it makes you look desperate ha ha ha. Be sure to smile and look like your having fun in your pictures.

• Make friends

 Have at least some hot girls writing on your wall every week. This can be achieved by making as many friends as possible. When you meet someone in real life, send them a friend request on Facebook that same night. Don’t seek to pick up girls, seek to become their Facebook friends. wth? my facebook username is now more valuable than my digits?! Once you begin chatting on FB then you can ask for her number if you plan on meeting up.
If the girl is not responsive or your stuck in the friend zone, go through her her pictures and find all of her hot friends, and inbox her to find out if her hot friend is available. I swear ask me that and I’m removing friend!!! Apparently a woman is the best wingman, not even Facebook. Get this girl to pimp you out to all of her hot facebook friends.

• Initiating conversation

 If you come across a friend of a friend who is hot or your interested in, send her a friend request, and after it has been accepted, hit her up on her wall, and comment on how you both like the same movies, or series etc lame. Or you can create an invite only group for something you both share common interests in like ‘Lil Wayne’s special fans’ lol. This will strengthen your bond before you ask her for her number NOT!


You can download a copy by searching for it at Free ebooks.net


My personal take is, I would never take you seriously if you asked me if I am on Facebook rather than just asking me for my number. But come to think of it, maybe that would be more pro-active and would reduce the chances of me waiting for my phone to ring.
My Facebook profile is something I secure and protect because I think it’s kinda personal so all the friends I have are people that I know personally. I have enabled all the privacy settings, so you cannot see my profile picture it’s too hot for strangers, you cannot send me a friend request or a message, and you cannot search for me. yeah i’m paranoid like that, utado warr??
I do not even use my real names on Facebook. I have become so afraid of exposing myself to my family like my parents, my aunts and uncles, and my workmates. I have the most insane pictures up, I have a total of 39 albums on FB, and I would prefer the good girl image the said people think I have. and I wanna talk crap on my status update.
I will not lie, if I meet a hot guy, I would search for him on Facebook but I would have a good reason, I walk around armed with a camera so I have to be his friend to tag him in his picture right? he he he
Anyway I think this whole concept of using Facebook as a wingman is just making men lazy!! Why can’t you just call me? Or hit on my friends without my assistance? Put your game in check turn your swag on, and use every tool of communication do not just focus on one!
 
xxx V xxx

Rotten tomatoes worst of the worst

Rotten tomatoes is a website where movie critics do what they do best, critic movies. They recently released the Worst of the worst top 100 worst reviewed movies from the year 2000 – 2009.
The first shocker I encountered was Glitter (Mariah Carey) was rated as number 99. I haven’t watched this movie, but I have heard so many negative reviews about it so I am kinda surprised.
Boat trip was number 97!!! I loved this movie, it was cool in a weird kinda way, and Roselyn Sanchez is just setting the bar for every aspiring seductress with the whole banana thing.
Number 66, The fog? really? Kwani how do these critics criticize? maybe that is something I need to understand before I start criticizing them as well.
I really like Jessica Alba’s good luck chuck so Im surprised it was rated number 61 for having ‘a shortage of laughs and an undercurrent of mean- spiritedness’.
No! No! No!! Because I said so has been ranked number 56!! Apparently it is ‘an unfunny cliche-ridden mess’ ha ha ha okay that sounds kinda funny but I loved that movie, it had hot men and a good story line in my opinion.
Epic Movie is at number 21 and I so totally agree that movie sucked face! It was not anywhere near funny at all.
Half Past Dead was an awful movie, I dunno who told Jarule he could act because they lied! And I loathe Steven Seagul. This movie should have been ranked lower than number 19.
At number 8 is the movie Three Strikes. This was just a dumb movie that really made me laugh. There is this dude who has just been released from prison, and he has one last strike short of being given a life sentence. The day of his release, his boy picks him up in a stolen vehicle, so of course the cops get wind of this and chase them down the highway. So as they try and escape, the dude is shot on the ass LMAO. And then when he is admitted in hospital, he is raped from the diab by a male nurse ha ha ha. That alone made me like this movie but hey, thats just me.
Check the whole count down here

xxx V xxx

Amber Rose

Amber Rose is the real definition of true beauty, just look at her!!! Girl crush exact!  She just makes you want to shave your head bald, slap on some scarlet red lipstick, and pray you will look as gorgeous as she does.

Okay she may be a bit psycho like sunbathing topless in a g-string, or these weird contacts she tried pulling, but the thing about her is she has her own unique style, which I am sure enough women will try and duplicate.

Despite being Kanye’s new flame, I know for sure she will make a name for herself and become even more famous in her own right.

Check out Amber on Complex Magazine

 

xxx V xxx

Baby boom

Forget Fendi, Gucci, Louis V, babies are the new handbags this season. So many women are preggers right now!! I think its something in the water, or people get really randy during Christmas. That explains the extremely large number of people born in September.
A friend of mine gave birth this week, and we went to see her baby, he is such a cutie, no wonder they are called bundles of joy. Is it just me who calls babys ‘it’ even after they are born?
I held the baby for like ten minutes and my hands were already tired, and I started wondering how the hell women hack carrying almost 4 kgs of baby in their womb. It must be so exhausting!
I remember as a kid, from like standard 2, I was deathly afraid of pregnancy after witnessing labour on tv, I was so traumatised. I remember one scene from E.R when a women walked into the emergency room, and her baby just ponyokad from her womb and fell to the floor so she was just standing their with her baby on the floor still connected to her by the umbilical cord (I heard someone on radio calling it um-by-lical)
This year I know a couple of women who gave birth or are still preggers, and I think I have learnt to appreciate and kinda look forward to the whole experience.
Pregnant woman look so beautiful, I finally see the whole glow people talk about, it does exist. I witnessed the weird cravings, did you know Nakumat actually sells baked clay? thus reducing the need for pregnant women picking and eating stones from the ground. The baked clay still tastes wack, but if you witness someone munching on it you would think it is like the nyummiest candy ever NOT!!
My friend was adviced to eat plenty of dates by her doctor, and thanks to her, I love the stuff and before I could not even finish a single date!! You should see her baby, he has a full head of hair. When i’m preggers i’ll be eating like a packet a day!
I really wonder how it feels when a baby kicks in your womb, that is one thing I would love to experience. But I am still deathly afraid of labor labour? and from what I heard, it can go on for days even no thank you!
I want me some Ceasarian Section please.
I also wonder, for those women with navel piercings, what happens when they are pregnant? and what happens if they need a C-section?
I do not know how much truth their is to this, but I heard it is not advisable for women to get tattoos on their abdomens, because if they get pregnant, their skin streches, and after giving birth, the loose skin ruins the tattoo, is their any truth to it?
To be honest, all these women and all the adorable babies I have been seeing lately are really making me want one not now, but in good time.

Peep my new hits counter on your left, that is exactly how elated I feel every time I discover some one has read my blog

xxx V xxx

My brand spanking new hobby

2 posts in a day! wow! Even I am amazed! Maybe it is because I have decided not to think about how long I have surfed today rather than work :p
Twitter is growing on me I must admit. Its exposed me to the network of Kenyan bloggers that upto now I had no idea existed. My blog list keeps growing daily as I discover brilliant, interesting blogs from an interesting crop of people.
I actually started blogging in I think the year 2006 there. The idea that I was kinda able to have my very own website for free really intrigued me until i learnt how to develop my own website. It was also a medium for me to showcase my works (I  make jewellery) and express my thoughts.
I kinda put it on the backside because of school, and facebook which really rots your mind and reduces the need for any other use for the internet.
Anyhoo thanks to twitter I discovered uber cool blogs and bloggers who inspired me to start a brand new blog, and keep inspiring me to keep writing.
The more blogs I read, the more I wanna get to know the faces behind the stories. It also made me realize I really suck at anonimity There must be some reason none of you do not want us to know who you are. ya’ll have made me paranoid I am slowly trying to locate all the areas I have disclosed any details about my identity so if you noticed any of it, keep it to yourself
I will keep reading, and try to keep writing. For now I am still brainstorming on what ‘tradition’ I should start to sign off my blog posts with that will give you an indication of what’s on my mind. Songs have been taken so will not go there, I have a few ideas like man candy of the day, or posting a picture of one of my jewellery pieces on every post but I’ll keep brainstorming.
For my 3 followers gracious I really appreciate it. Thanks to my few readers, and all those who have taken time to comment on the things running through my mind.

xxx V xxx

Vehicular phobia

Yeah I coined that word all by myself, and you guessed right, I am afraid of vehicles (I still remember in lower primary having difficulty pronouncing the said word lol).
I used to be a kawa passenger who felt nothing for speed or anything like that, but when I came of age, I was afraid of driving. I actually do not remember whose idea it was to sign me up for driving school.
I went to Rocky Driving School, a place where every single Onyango, Suleiman and Kariuki hits on you, those men have no shame. The guy who signed me up was those dudes who keep long finger nails on their little fingers yuck and he used to like calling me ‘Lovely’.
The resident photographer was a slimy perv who used to talk explicitly and dig up your number in their records douche.
Imagine my surprise when I was put inside a van and told to drive the same day I signed up. My driving instructor drove a van with a serious boomtwaff that could be heard from the next street. He took me to industrial area and told me to take the wheel, I was scared shitless! I screamt like half the time.
That driving instructor of mine was just a joker, we always used to drive to his hood in Pango so that he could run errands. The dude had some mad jokes, and constantly kept hitting on me. But he took me and some of his students for Ethiopian in Garissa Lodge which was delish and pretty cool.

I still remember my driving test,
“Mtoto! Mtoto!” said the man in the blue uniform, and I proceeded to emergency brake…easy peasy and a bribe on the side and I was a registered driver.
I have a problem with my left leg, so I am not really good at balancing so manual cars are a bit of a beef for me. But those days I used to drive to the supermarket, to school when I was home alone or during exams when my mum went away when I was in second year. Nothing beats the feeling of driving to school, it is so convenient.
So last year around April, my mum and I had woken up early as usual and left the house at about 6:15 am. I remember that day I was having a cat for my Artificial Neural Networks class (yes it is as hard as it sounds), and for some reason I had left my coffee which I usually drink en route at home.
My mum is a Kenya drifter (The fast and the furious -Tokyo drift?) she drives as fast as her car will let her. That particular day it was no different. 2 minutes away from our hood, some car veers into the road and the two cars in front of us brake.
My mum emergency brakes full force but due to the momentum, our car rammed into the car in front of us which proceeds to hit the car in front of it.
I still remember the sensations that I went through so well. We used to use those masayings in compositions ‘My heart was in my mouth’ and it happened to me literally. I could not breathe and all my blood had rushed to my feet, it was just the worst feeling ever. Thank God my mum and I did not get hurt, but our car was messed up bad!
Of course with all that drama, all the stuff I had spent the night cramming for my cat went outta the window. My mum flagged down her workmate to give me a ride to school, and I just dotted during the cat, I scored 3/30 he he he but I saw it coming so I felt nothing.
Since that day I self diagnosed myself with Vehicular Phobia. Every morning I buckle up and cling on to the seat belt for dear life with my eyes wide shut as my mum cruises down Langatta Road ya she really does not learn. I do not really like riding shot gun and try as much not to. Speed freaks the hell out of me, as well as emergency breaking which brings me to the verge of a heart attack and I feel my blood rushing to my feet all over again. I’m a screamer so you will hear a lot of ‘uuuwwwiiii’s’ and ‘woooiii’s’ coming from me.
If I suck that bad as a passenger you can imagine my driving. My parents are very much aware of my vehicular phobia i’m such an idiot so they do not trust me at all when it comes to driving. My dad really tries to encourage me to get back on the wheel, so does my mum but not as much because her car is the only one I can drive so she is not very confident about my abilities.
I have driven twice this year, once after a fast paced session at GP Karting, and one other time to the supermarket 15 minutes away from home. When I’m the one behind the wheel, I drive with a heavy heart pounding extremely vigorously making it really hard to concentrate. Driving with my mum is even worse because she makes me so nervous and she screams as much as I do which really doesn’t help much.
This weekend though I did a lot of unnecessary trekking, when I had left the car parked in the house. It took me 2 hours to get to my destination when it would have taken me like 30 minutes if I had driven there!
I have resolved to face this dumb phobia, grab it by the balls and overcome it!! Once I make some bank I am renewing my license and getting back on the wheel!!
As the very seksi Leonidas said in 300

Overcoming fear is strength

xxx V xx

The razzle dazzle has fizzled out…..

A time like this last month, i was in euphoria. I had met two gorgeous guys and i was being showered with attention and so many compliments, and I was excited because of all the numerous possibilities these men promised. I was also starting to be guilt ridden because I’m pessimistic so all I could do was predict complications.
Now I am happy to report I am feeling guilt free, but all the excitement has faded away, with a very slim chance of a possibility with just one of them. I no longer foresee any quagmires arising since one of the factors in the equation it seems, is not a factor anymore.

The activities of this past week has really made me evaluate myself. First up, I cannot hack long distance, I can only stay so long without having you here with me, it is just too hard. Secondly, I think I get bored really fast, without excitement I loose interest, and without interest is it really worth the effort? 

xxx V xxx

Kids do and say the darndest things

I was such a weird kid with a wild imagination and sometimes i was just really really bored so as a result i did some very funny things.
I remember i used to eat chewed gum which i would find stuck under tables, or on beds, i can still taste that stale flavour (ewe i dunno what i was thinking). One time i remember i found a chewed melted eclair on the road, and me the dumb child i picked it up and ate it!! This reminds me of how i used to sleep with gum in my mouth and in the morning find it all tangled up in my hair.
I don’t know whether i did not agree with the whole concept of cooking or something because i used to eat raw sausages, bacon, hot dogs, maybe if microwaves were there at that time that would not have happened, but that’s no excuse because we had a mbotch! I also remember eating tablespoons of blueband even.
This one time i was sleeping over at my cousins house, and i had just come from playing outside the house and i was really thirsty so i saw a bottle of what i thought was water on the kitchen counter. So i take a huge gulp of ‘water’ and the stuff tasted horrible like anaesthetic (i was an avid hospital patient when i was a kid, and with some of my crazy antics it is no surprise huh?) Turns out it was a bottle of dry cleaning water. Luckily my uncle was a doctor and his wife was a nurse so they sorted me out, i do not remember any bad effects from that though.
I used to love eating ugali with mala when i was a kid. Now i cannot stand either of the two. At the time, nothing was flavoured so i decided to create my own strawberry flavoured mala. I poured mala into a glass and added a spoonful of jam, stirred, wacha i tasted the product of my ingenious idea….YUCK!!!!! I have never drank mala since that day!
During those pre-microwave days you either had to contend with consuming cold food, or you struggled with reheating the food in a sufuria. This one time i think i had the flu or something, and there was yoghurt in the freezer so i wanted to defrost it and drink it when its warm. So i poured the stuff into a sufuria and began heating it, only for it to start coagulating. I was so sad all that yoghurt that i had syk for had to go down the drain.
When i was a kid, i remember going to church and wondering how the bible was read because i could hear them saying ‘John chapter one verse three’ but i used to look at the bible and i could not tell where they were reading from so i assumed that the footers at the bottom of the page was where they used to read out those chapters and verses from and i used to like reading it to myself and feeling achoven (yes i had achieved it at that time lol )
I love club kiboko, i still watch it even today but its ofcourse not as nice as it used to be those days for Jimmy Gathu and Lorna Irungu. The cartoons were soo awesome like captain planet, transformers, ewoks, and my favorite martian. Anyway i loved that show and i was obsessed with Jimmy Gathu. I used to call ktn (227122) and ask to speak to Jimmy Gathu then hang up when he came on the line.
I had a very awesome childhood, one that i will cherish forever. I really wish i could go back to those good old days.
I have noticed that children of today are so smart and intelligent, i have never heard any of them doing some of the insane things that i did.
What are some of the dumb things you did as a child?

xxx V xxx

Bathroom stuff

There is a certain decorum which has to be conducted when your using the bathroom.
For me bathrooms are a huge deal because for some reason i pee really frequently (no i do not have a problem, i got checked and i am A okay).
Anyway the reason i am writing this blog is because i am wondering if these thoughts go through peoples minds when they are using the loo.
Men are very lucky they pee while standing, what i wouldn’t do to be able to do that!! Do you know how much we women suffer when your in the wild and you have to squat down and expose your behind to all kinds of dangers like animal things jumping up to bite it, or poison ivy (does that plant grow in kenya??), all the while mooning all your spectators?!!
I saw one time on Tyra some kind of funnel thing which enable women to pee while standing, i would definitely buy that if i knew where i could get a hold of it!
During the last rally held two weeks ago in kajiado, my friends had to gather up shawls and create like walls to enable each other to pee. I did not join in on the fun, but of course i took pictures i would rather stay pressed till my bladder is on the verge of exploding then pee in the wild.
My guy friend was asking me why girls cant just spread their legs and pee while standing, well, that really wouldnt work because the pee would not go straight down, but trickle down your legs.
One time my friend and i were at Nakumatt Ukay where we had made a pitt stop before heading to Qs, and we went to the bathroom, but since it was just the two of us we decided to explore a bit. I joined him in the gents, and it was quite an adventure…not!!! Men’s bathrooms stink especially coz of those balls they put in the urinals (ewe). He came to the ladies and the first thing he noticed were the rentokil bins.
‘What’s this for?’
Most people drink from the fountain of knowledge, but my friend only gargled ha ha ha
okay i am just kidding, i just had to throw that line in. He is actually very intelligent…sometimes.
So i proceeded to tell him all sorts of lies of how you open the bin and it produces water which you can use to wash your hands or wipe yourself if there’s no tissue. Men are so clueless..
I heard in Japan there is a pipe that sprouts up from inside the loo and proceeds to spray warm water to wash your derriere or whatever. If you have been to Nihongo, is there any truth to that??
Apparently there is a rule for urinal use in mens bathrooms about like the proximity to your neighbour or whatever, and i was really relieved to hear that because in my opinion, urinals already do not provide any privacy at all. I bet when your peeing your just busy sizing each other up with your neighbour.
Before i really used to wonder what all the fuss women made about men leaving the toilet seat up, but it is actually a big deal. If you put it up, just put it back down when your done.
What freaks me out the most when i am in the toilet is when you flash the loo and the water starts rising! shit!!! That’s so messed up but luckily it usually goes back down so the disaster is averted.
I think this post has gone on for long enough before i begin grossing you out, which i am very capable of..

xxx V xxx

Because I said so

Due to my GIGO (garbage in garbage out) memory, i’m an avid fan of reruns. I can watch or read anything numerous times and still be very entertained. This particular weekend i was on a mission to just lounge in my bed and get reacquainted with my favourite movies and serii (is that the plural of series?)
For some reason, i decided i wanted to watch because i said so once again. The movie stars Diane Keaton, Mandy Moore, Lauren Graham, Piper Perabo…
Anyhoo, the movie revolves around Milly (Mandy Moore) a young lady who always seems to find the wrong men who are either old, married, or punks. As a result Daphne (Diane Keaton) her meddling mother is always busy interfering in her life. So Daphne creates a profile on a dating website searching for a life partner for Milly.
Thanks to her mother, Milly meets and gets involved with two gorgeous but very different men. Jason is an architect who is cultured and has travelled the world, while Johnny is a tattoed musician who is a single parent to a gorgeous little boy who asks women to show him their ‘ginas’.
Anyway Milly goes ahead and dates both of them, but you can already tell she is happier with Johnny because when she is with him she can be herself, and he is just really amazing, while with Jason, she was really insecure about herself. Anyway she got to date two men at the same time, rip all the benefits, then she got busted. Johnny was furious when he found out she had been sleeping with another guy. Jason was easy breezy about it which was like the strangest thing. To cut a long story short, Milly dumped Jason after discovering he was her mothers pick from the dating ad, and she realised Johnny was of course the better option.
Anyway it was a very nice movie, an eye opener in fact….

xxx V xxx